Okay, everyone, listen up. This is serious. I donâ€™t often get preachy but this topic is something that I think on a lot. I know that some of you may not give this equal consideration in your daily lives but I think you should. Despite our various races, colors, religions and sexual preferences we all share one common concern as human beings: survival during a zombie attack.
Now, I know there have been many books, movies and whatnot covering this delicate scenario but Iâ€™m here to get down to the nitty-gritty of it. The other day as me and the Luv Doctor and our good buddy Jimmy Jam were settling ourselves down at the local Outback Steakhouse to enjoy a dinner together, a strange thought occurred to me. Iâ€™m not sure if it was the episode of The Walking Dead I saw the previous night or merely the sight of the Luv Doctor attacking and devouring down a piece of roast, but suddenly I asked my cohorts, â€œWhere would we go in the event of an all-out zombie attack?â€
Well, that got us going all right. Immediately, Jimmy Jam considered me a liability but I reassured him that, despite my aversion to zombies, that wouldnâ€™t be the case. He ultimately agreed–albeit, reluctantly… but Iâ€™m still keeping an eye on him should dire events prevail. Anyway, we decided an island of some sort would be the best place to take refuge. I suggested Alcatraz, as there are already fortified buildings there, and we all agreed it would be ideal. From there we could send out sorties into the surrounding Bay Area for supplies and whatnot. I also suggested we take rabbits and pigeons to the island as a sustainable protein source; those little bastards breed like crazy. The other two scoffed at the idea but weâ€™ll see what their thoughts are when Iâ€™m enjoying a nice roasted squab and theyâ€™re eating cold Spam.
So, then the topic moved to weapons and here is where all dissension broke loose. Yeah, yeah, everyone wants a gun of some sort at their side. I mean, who doesnâ€™t want to get off truly awe-inspiring hip shots and watch zombies fall before them. But letâ€™s face it; youâ€™re eventually going to run out of bullets. For me, a good martial weapon is my choiceâ€¦ and that weapon is the war hammer. Now Iâ€™m not talking some freakinâ€™ Gimli dwarven war hammer; Iâ€™m talking an actual medieval war hammer: long handle with a double head, smashing hammer on one side and spike on the other. Letâ€™s face it, these things were designed to puncture armor, mainly helmets and thatâ€™s where zombies are most vulnerable: the head.
Now the Luv Doctor seems to prefer a medieval flanged mace–not the spiked ball variety. Thatâ€™s all well and good, but thatâ€™s not necessarily going to take a zombie down. Donâ€™t get me wrong, you may get a few lucky strikes in, but for the most part I think youâ€™re just going to give the enemy a zombie concussion. Yeah, itâ€™ll slow them down for a bit but the goal is to end those shambling horrors not merely stun them.
Jimmy Jam, on the other hand, starts raving about a crossbow. We slapped him down; dude, it’s the ammo thing again. You’ll eventually run out of bolts and those things are a pain in the ass to reload… now who’s the liability? Hey, LD, I get Jimmy’s rations!
Oh, and one last thing. We also agreed that itâ€™s the slow, lumbering zombies that weâ€™re talking about. If it so happens that theyâ€™re the sprinting ones, forget about it. Screw that, Iâ€™m popping a cap in my own ass.
So, what do you think? I think thereâ€™s somebody out there reading this who can commentâ€¦ or is that aâ€¦ ghaaaahh!