Nov 192010

NX - Knows all, sees allOkay, everyone, listen up. This is serious. I don’t often get preachy but this topic is something that I think on a lot. I know that some of you may not give this equal consideration in your daily lives but I think you should. Despite our various races, colors, religions and sexual preferences we all share one common concern as human beings: survival during a zombie attack.

Now, I know there have been many books, movies and whatnot covering this delicate scenario but I’m here to get down to the nitty-gritty of it. The other day as me and the Luv Doctor and our good buddy Jimmy Jam were settling ourselves down at the local Outback Steakhouse to enjoy a dinner together, a strange thought occurred to me. I’m not sure if it was the episode of The Walking Dead I saw the previous night or merely the sight of the Luv Doctor attacking and devouring down a piece of roast, but suddenly I asked my cohorts, “Where would we go in the event of an all-out zombie attack?”

Well, that got us going all right. Immediately, Jimmy Jam considered me a liability but I reassured him that, despite my aversion to zombies, that wouldn’t be the case. He ultimately agreed–albeit, reluctantly… but I’m still keeping an eye on him should dire events prevail. Anyway, we decided an island of some sort would be the best place to take refuge. I suggested Alcatraz, as there are already fortified buildings there, and we all agreed it would be ideal. From there we could send out sorties into the surrounding Bay Area for supplies and whatnot. I also suggested we take rabbits and pigeons to the island as a sustainable protein source; those little bastards breed like crazy. The other two scoffed at the idea but we’ll see what their thoughts are when I’m enjoying a nice roasted squab and they’re eating cold Spam.

NX's weapon of choice

So, then the topic moved to weapons and here is where all dissension broke loose. Yeah, yeah, everyone wants a gun of some sort at their side. I mean, who doesn’t want to get off truly awe-inspiring hip shots and watch zombies fall before them. But let’s face it; you’re eventually going to run out of bullets. For me, a good martial weapon is my choice… and that weapon is the war hammer. Now I’m not talking some freakin’ Gimli dwarven war hammer; I’m talking an actual medieval war hammer: long handle with a double head, smashing hammer on one side and spike on the other. Let’s face it, these things were designed to puncture armor, mainly helmets and that’s where zombies are most vulnerable: the head.

Now the Luv Doctor seems to prefer a medieval flanged mace–not the spiked ball variety. That’s all well and good, but that’s not necessarily going to take a zombie down. Don’t get me wrong, you may get a few lucky strikes in, but for the most part I think you’re just going to give the enemy a zombie concussion. Yeah, it’ll slow them down for a bit but the goal is to end those shambling horrors not merely stun them.

Jimmy Jam, on the other hand, starts raving about a crossbow. We slapped him down; dude, it’s the ammo thing again. You’ll eventually run out of bolts and those things are a pain in the ass to reload… now who’s the liability? Hey, LD, I get Jimmy’s rations!

Oh, and one last thing. We also agreed that it’s the slow, lumbering zombies that we’re talking about. If it so happens that they’re the sprinting ones, forget about it. Screw that, I’m popping a cap in my own ass.

So, what do you think? I think there’s somebody out there reading this who can comment… or is that a… ghaaaahh!

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  4 Responses to “Dude, This Is Serious!”

  1. I think that there’s a significant probability that a war hammer could get stuck in the body of a zombie after a strike. This could definitely be an issue in a multi-zombie encounter. You’d need to carry around backup weapons in addition to the hammer – which would burn valuable calories that could otherwise be spent hunting down those rabbits and pigeons.

  2. Oh, boy; here we go. First, I wouldn’t be going after simple body parts. The head’s the target area… I believe the tapered edge of the spike would prevent it from getting lodged. Like I said, this was designed for puncturing armor. Oh, and I’d rather have a couple of backup weapons just in case I did drop or lose one… better than not having one and needing it. Calories? Well, let’s just say I could stand to lose a few pounds so no issue there. Nothing more than apocalyptic cardio.

    So tell me, sir… what’s your weapon of choice?

  3. I just wouldn’t want to get that close. Maybe a good strike takes the zombie down, but maybe it doesn’t – and now you’re in zombie feeding range. I’d like to have something with a little better reach that didn’t necessarily have to be swung to cause damage. Some type of pole-arm like a Scottish halberd or a glaive I think would be better suited to zombie slaying.

  4. Um, you’re gonna eventually get that close, like it or not. If you’re going to survive then you’re going to have to forage. And if you forage, then you’ll be in smelling distance of some zombie’s grill at some point… trust me. Glaive? Like in the fancy throwing star type? Who are you, Xena? How many are you going to carry? And how good is your aim for that matter? Good luck with that unwieldy halberd, though… hey guys, I got dibs on Ditchoff’s rations.

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