ARBOLES, CO—Cries of woe and disbelief rang out this past Easter Sunday as frenzied Easter egg hunters stumbled upon the slain body of The Easter Bunny. Several youngsters came across the deceased hare only moments after beginning their annual Easter egg hunt. Kyle Murphy, 13, was one of the first to see the body.
“At first I wasn’t sure what it was, so I dared my cousin Bobby to smash it with a brick,” explained egg hunter Murphy. “That’s when we figured out what it was, when we got up close. Bobby started crying—heh, heh. He’s such a baby.” The other boy Bobby Murphy, 10, could not be reached for comment.
The coroner at the scene, Timothy Lang, established the time of death at approximately 8:00 AM Easter morning—the cause of death, a gunshot wound to the head. Inspector Frank Geech, the officer in charge of the investigation, added, “It appears he was hopping down that row of bushes over there, probably hiding chocolatey treats or eggs or something, then turned toward the street. That’s when it looks like he was shot: pow, right in the forehead.” Geech, scratching his head, added, “I hope he made it to my house before this or I’ll never hear the end of it from my kids.”
Several suspects have been taken in for questioning regarding the shooting; a viable motive has not yet been determined. Anonymous sources, however, have come forward implicating Tony Moretti, owner of Whacky Farm Fresh Eggs, Inc. These same sources stated that Moretti and The Easter Bunny had been at odds for some years regarding the Bunny’s switch from traditional painted hard-boiled eggs to the more kid-appealing chocolate eggs and other assorted Easter candies. Mr. Moretti denied involvement in the shooting and refused to comment, stating only, “Eh, I don’t know nothin’ about nothin’. Aight?”
The World Institute of Holiday Celebrities and Enigmas located on Easter Island was contacted shortly after the body was found regarding a possible replacement for the much-loved rabbit.
Carl Whoops, director of Holiday Persona at the institute, stated, “Well, first of all we would only be able to choose someone else who possesses the magical abilities to perform such a feat as hiding eggs and candy for all of the world’s children. There are currently only two possible candidates, Santa Claus and Pippy the Mustard Seed Day Walrus. Obviously Santa Claus is very busy and Pippy, well; let’s not go there. We have agents on the case though. Hopefully by next year we’ll have found someone.”
It seems for now, however, the job will remain unfilled despite the vast remaining number of houses not yet visited this year.
A funeral service for the Easter Bunny was held the following week where several close friends of the Bunny attended. Noticeably absent from the event was the Great Pumpkin who many said is totally unreliable. Among the other guests were Cupid, the Thanksgiving Day Turkey, Uncle Sam, several leprechauns and Santa Claus. Santa cried.