Dec 212011

Psycho KillerPeople are remiss in speaking about embarrassing moments in their life or so ignorant that they do not know they should be embarrassed. Some moments can be so monumentally out of control, nothing can be done to minimize the psychological trauma induced. Almost sounds like the opening monologue to the TV series Dragnet?

I remember when I was 17 and one particular morning I decided I was not going to wear any underwear that day. I threw on a pair of Levi 501 jeans and immediately felt the excruciating pain of having my fore skin pinched in the zipper. I tried to unzip it but that was impossibility. I was writhing in pain on the floor when my brother found me. He did not immediately assess the emergency right away believing I was doing a convulsive dance move I had learned recently at a disco club. When he realized what had occurred, he called the volunteer fire department and they zoomed to the rescue. They had brought the Jaws of Life, which at the time period resembled a backhoe. These after all were all volunteer firemen meaning they were all farmers and the closest thing to a human they had experience with medically was a bull. After 4 hours of jokes and laughter emanating from all the fireman and me losing five pounds of weight due to profuse sweating I was free once more and had learned the lesson to always to wear underwear or face the possible consequences of an entire community scrutinizing my junk and making jokes about it the entire time. I still cannot take showers at the gym or look at myself in a mirror unless fully clothed or with very dark sunglasses on.

One of the more interesting embarrassing tales I was involved in had to do with a camping trip. For me it was a ludicrous idea to have to pay to camp coming from the very rural area I inhabited and could camp for free anywhere and anytime. One of the persons I was sharing a camp with I was not too fond of to begin with so this tale always makes me laugh. We had paid to spend one night at the site and by early afternoon the next day had decided to spend another night with our mutual friend. This entailed a trip to the office to pay for that privilege. Both Bill and I were wearing cut off levi’s and nothing else. Bill’s shorts were cut VERY short. As we were walking to the office, Bill says to me he has to take a number 2. I mention he can use the bathroom at the office when we get there. We walk for 5 more minutes and he is more insistent about going number 2 and again I say “We are almost to the office and you can go there.” We are within sight of the office when Bill just takes off at a sprint into the woods and within seconds he swallowed up by the forest. I stand and wait for almost ten minutes yelling his name occasionally and becoming quite impatient. Finally I spot him emerging from the trees. My first question is a haughty “Where the HELL did you go?” It is then I see a brown substance covering the inside portions of both his legs. He stares at me with the most pained looked on his face and says “I SHIT MYSELF!” Awww the memories we decide to tuck away.

One embarrassing tale had to do with a wondrous “What the Hell!” reaction as you are at work and do not expect to see the scene that transpires before you. I was at the front desk and was perusing my mail when one of the women from Marketing happened to come walking down the hallway. Her name was Marion and she was a very pleasant lady. She was wearing a very appealing blue dress and had reached the area at which I was standing. As she walked by she gave me a pleasant smile and said hello to me. I smiled back and said hello and then noticed the 6-7 foot of toilet paper that was trailing after her originating from the top of her skirt. She was completely oblivious to its presence. The receptionist’s eye and mine met as we watched her pass both of us with a WTF look on our faces. Nothing was said. Nothing needed to be said. Some situations need no dialogue.

Once in High School when I was 17 years of age I became involved with trying to pass a * to assure the school more money for various items. This entailed setting a new length of time for playing a continuous basketball game for the Guinness Book of World Records. We had to play a week and the rules were simple. We had 6 players on each team and could swap a player in each hour so one of us could sleep and eat and have bathroom breaks. Unfortunately for me this was the last week of school and I still had driving lessons to take which coincided with my hour off. Needless to say my driver’s education teacher was not too thrilled with a body in the car which had not undergone any extended sleep for a long period of time. Fortunately for me he never caught me dozing off even when I was behind the wheel.

You have to realize the toll this type of event exerts on a body, even a young man. Lack of sleep makes you do strange things and we found ourselves doing almost anything to stay awake from pulling one another’s shorts to the floor to pulling a tumbling springboard onto the floor and jumping from it to dunk basketballs. Two items of importance here were discovered. We could NOT wear jock straps because the chaffing was SO painful and the feet took a horrible toll. One could almost not bear the discomfort of wearing even short to the taping of foam to our feet so we could drag ourselves up and down the court.

The time did finally come after what seemed like an indeterminable Hell when we were near the record. People piled into the gym to watch us. We girded ourselves with our last remaining vestiges of energy we had to make it fun for the people to watch. Of course like the rest of my compatriots, I was wearing no supporting genital accoutrement due to the severe pain. It just so happened that 3 young ladies were sitting on the bleachers at the end of the court which was our goal along with many other spectators. One happened to be an attractive girl I was smitten with. So what happens? My brother started a fast break and I was on his right side running down the court. I cut to the hoop and my brother feeds me a pass and I take the ball to the hoop for an uncontested layup. Unfortunately as I jumped to place the ball into the hoop my naughty bit fell from my shorts in full views of over a hundred people. I did make the layup very awkwardly as well as stuffed everything back into my shorts upon landing on the court.

Time stood still as people turned away, they gasped, some laughed, some stood and walked away, it ran the gamut. The girls had turned and averted their eyes and giggled. My team mates smacked me on the back laughing and giving me false praises. It was a moment that seemed to last for infinity. We set the record and we held that distinction for an entire WEEK! The important thing is that the * passed and the school had money. A record that lasted a week, a memory that lasts a lifetime.

This list can be expanded infinitum and will be explored later. I know some of your embarrassing moments and would like to know some of them. Please enlighten me.

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