Apr 092002

LONDON—A soccer fan faces charges of hurling celery during Sunday’s FA Cup semifinal, in an incident linked to an obscure vegetable-throwing ritual observed by Chelsea supporters, according to police.

The website of Chelsea’s unofficial supporters club, CFCNET, suggests the celery throwing operation—codenamed “Mission Celery”—had been planned a week before the team clashed with Fulham at the Villa Park ground in Birmingham in hopes of combining it with lettuce and making a delicious salad or dramatic variation of a an ancient Celtic coleslaw.

Fans deemed it a success, but police were less impressed since 98.45% of all police have an aversion to celery.

“A man from Gravesend in Kent was arrested for throwing objects onto the pitch, some of which included celery, and one of which is believed to have struck somebody,” a spokesman for West Midlands police told Reuters on Tuesday. “If it was just a stick of celery we could of handled it but it was attached to a 540 pound anvil and that is a problem not to mention a BIG mess!”

CFCNET suggested that Fulham manager Jean Tigana had been struck by a stick of celery during “Mission Celery”, but it was unclear if it was the stick thrown by the accused. A finger print expert was brought to examine the celery stalk but ate it accidentally with some ranch dressing and deemed it delicious!

“Poor Tigana did his best to shrug off the Chelsea hordes behind his dugout until a stick of celery struck him square in the middle of the bonce,” reported one fan. This might have been a break through to the case but police still are baffled as to what a “bonce” is!

West Midlands police said the fan was due to appear before Birmingham magistrates on April 17 but was consumed by a mysterious flame which left nothing but his left little toe which is still incarcerated.

One Chelsea fan reported: “The celery tradition goes back 20 years. It relates to one particular anthem, but the logic of throwing celery has been lost in the mists of time. It’s a friendly thing to throw. It doesn’t leave a dent unless attached to a 540 pound anvil. The sacrifice of the virgin before the game is also a tradition though they are getting really hard to find and have to be imported.” The traditional anthem—the language of which is only fit for the stands—relates to the use of the vegetable as a tickling sex aid but contains no soccer references and gets passed around and shoved up every fans rectum with no lubricant.

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