Oct 282001
News of the delayed "Extra-Super Ginormous Gulp" shocks the press.

News of the delayed "Extra-Super Ginormous Gulp" shocks the press.

DALLAS, TX—President and Chief Executive Officer James W. Keyes of 7-Eleven, Inc. announced in a press conference last week that the release of the eagerly awaited newest addition to the Super Gulp family: the “Extra-Super Ginormous Gulp”, has been regrettably delayed.

The company’s most recent specs range from the meager Extra-Super Ginormous Gulp 100 oz container, to the more substantial 4-gallon, codenamed “Bladder-Annihilator”. Dr. Spankenbottom, leading structural engineer and world-renowned Gulpologist, explained. “Our attempts to surpass the current 64 oz have been met with nothing but failure after failure. We simply have not yet found a way to achieve structural integrity and adequately increase the soda container’s size to meet the growing demands of our consumers. All we know for sure is, the bigger it is, the more likely it is to collapse in on itself. We postulate at 120 oz. that a cup collapsing in upon itself will create a black hole destroying everything in the 7-Eleven!”

Past attempts to make a structurally sound container have included everything from trapezoids with wheels to self-contained plastic pulley systems. While these attempts have only resulted in disappointment, hope looms on the horizon for the newly proposed self-sufficient Big Gulp antigravity system. “Once we get this thing working,” Keyes beamed, “soda drinkers everywhere will be able to purchase Super Gulps nearly quadruple… sextuple… well, a lot bigger than the size of our current product.” Keyes went on to add that the difference in price between the various sizes would be “about a nickel”.

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