These are but a few quips I have read on Facebook that cause bemusement and can puzzle me and outright can be thought provoking. All you have that has to be done is a little searching.
1. What is this hair doing in my teeth?
2. Whose finger is the dog chewing on and dragging around the house now?
3. Damn I hate it when the neighbors are BBQing skunk!
4. I told the 5 people on train it was just Capri Sun Lemonade I spilled on them when my colostomy bag exploded.
5. Yoko Ono is hot but then I am legally blindâ€¦
6. My husband got his penis stuck in the hot tub jet again!
7. I accidentally took Viagra instead of Tylenol and have been limping for 3 days.
8. Can I make it to next Friday wearing this same pair of underwear without provoking violence from my co-workers?
9. Well he told me that roofies were candy. What do I know? I had heard of Baby Roofs.
10. No matter how you try and marinate it, dog is just too damn tough to eat.
11. Ear wax makes a great lubricant for roller skate wheels!
12. I have finally gotten my belly button lint ball to 3 foot in diameter but the dog peed on it and now I am trying to dry it out.
13. Yeah I punched that ass right between the eyes when he said I needed an anger management class!
14. They make movies about anything. I saw one the other night about a woman trying to kill her husband while on their period named â€œNight of the Blood Beastâ€
15. That chicken was supposed to stay alive long enough for my backyard sacrifice to the God of Turf tonight.
16. We were sitting on the couch and I thought I was petting her cat until I realized it was her left leg.
17. Now Godzilla with genitalia! That would scare the Hell out of me.
18. Hot Sticky Buns take on an entirely different meaning in certain places.
19. Word to the wise man; never stand naked next to a dog that has been taught to play fetch with a stick.
20. I asked her, like I said some prostitutes get a great dental plan with their job.
21. Oh I hate it when he is in one of those moods. I come through the door after a tough day and there is the plastic sheet on the floor and him doused in vegetable oil holding the spatulas again.
22. He tried to explain to me he was an Emo. I thought it was some new brand of laxative.
23. Will someone please give me that list of the symptoms of death again?
24. I told the guy I already gave 50 bucks to the People With No Buttocks charity.
25. That damn woman next door has a program on her I Phone that can read my mind even when I am wearing the tin foil on my head.
26. How do you know the Flash is a premature ejaculator?
27. Well I disagree with you on that, Jay Lenoâ€™s chin is BIGGER then my ass!
28. I believe in Crystal Meth because I believe in ME!
29. The picture on this I Phone screen is incredible. Now I donâ€™t have to wait to get home to watch quality porn.
30. The police just would not listen; I told them that killing women that looked like my mother was just a phase I am going through.
31. Necrophilia is not as bad as you think, so you just do not have any conversations afterwards, sometimes that a plus!
The list continues. Let me know what I can add to it.