Jul 022011

Psycho KillerPeople will always ask “What is your favorite…?” I have come to understand certain aspects of myself and I really do not have a favorite anything. Take a nice cotton shirt that has been washed repeatedly until soft and comfortable. By the time it reaches that state with me it has developed holes and it is regulated to a yard work shirt or designated as gym wear especially if the holes display my nubile girlish breasts! I love distracting all the other muscle heads as they lift. So henceforth, I can NEVER have a favorite shirt. This applies to all clothes except for a pink chiffon dress I picked up 9 years ago for special events but can never wear because my hips have gotten too wide. Shoes follow along that same line. As soon as I break them in and they are comfy they have developed holes and the tread is falling off and I still have some of the teeth in them where the gopher bit me while mowing the lawn but his fur made a nifty loin cloth though albeit smelly. I have an enormous amount of tee shirts due to the fact I have been in the computer industry forever and acquire them free. When I moved, I filled four large trash bags full of brand new Tees and took them to Good Will. I still have a dresser and half full of them as we well as a nerd I attempted to take a shirt off of and had to knock him out, bring him home and store him in my 3rd dresser drawer. It gets tiring feeding and cleaning up after him but one of these days he will tire of the drawer and relinquish the shirt!

This question is especially annoying when it comes to food. I mean I love shell fish but am allergic to it and will dies withering and without clean underwear on if I partake of it. Sorry Mom, you always warned me about the underwear! The point is I can love something I cannot even eat. To me all of the food that could ever grace my palate is in the gradations I assign to pizza. There are tasty and edible, mediocre and edible and What the HELL IS IT and edible. The pertinent word is “edible”. As long as the food is edible I am happy. I also like large portions. I absolutely LOATHE presentation in food. It equate to “We will give you as little food as possible, charge you as much as possible and come as close to statutory rape as we can to feed you.” I HATE THAT!!!! I like food and LOTS of it. The Japanese say “The first bite is taken by the eye!” This explains why they eat neurotoxic fish and try not to die from it and they love squid eyes. So they REALLY know what they are talking about… NOT! I contemplate quite a bit and I conclude that is all ends up in the same place so why care what it looks like? I also have interesting eating habit besides cannibalism and is I will eat one thing from my plate until it is finished and then proceed on. Once in awhile I like mixing but for the most part that is how I eat. Being raised by parents who only fed you twice a week will do that to you. That is why I still have a craving for dog biscuits. I had to fight them for food. It worked out well. They taught me to mark my territory and I became the alpha male.

I just love the question “What is your favorite song or movie?” I just answer genre? Old country with blues rhythms sang by a male that yodels and wears a cowboy hat? That kind of narrows it down for me. I love WAY too much music and movies to even give a top 100. I could do that in the voice of Casey Kasem but would have to do that horrible stereotypical radio voice sand tell some weird tender story as a lead in to a song about an elephant and mouse falling in love and it ending in a misplaced step and a very small pizza stain. If you asked me about movies narrow it down by giving me an actor or actress’ or directors’ name, then I may be able to take it from there. The only question I can answer when asked about a movie is “What is your favorite BAD movie?” It has to be Ed Wood’s “Plan Nine from Outer Space.” I watch it and it is SO bad it is funny. And I love the idea that he dressed as a woman while directing it and he is better looking than any actress that appears in the movie. Oh how did you do it Ed Woods! Sometimes it is good to be a freak. I must say it is easier to ask me what I hate then what I love. When it comes to music it has to be Polka music since that has a tragic past with me that involves an accordion and a kilt. I learned just how high pitched a scream I could achieve.

“Lee, what is your favorite body part?” Wow that is tough one. Should I choose one that is necessary or expendable? I think I only have one expendable organ left. I lost the others playing “Operations” The goofy game for wacky doctors! My brothers forgot we were playing and before you knew it, there were my tonsils on the table and my brother arguing with me that he should get at least 100 points for it. I think I really like my butt cheeks since I can draw a silly face on it and go as a Push Me Pull You on Halloween. Well it does go over big at family reunions, I only have to be careful not to be shot and skinned. Some people ask me what my favorite female anatomical part is and I have to say the vagina. I never cease to get a kick out of speaking into it and hearing my voice echo back. If you put your ear to it you can also hear the ocean. I do like extremely large breast but that is only when flying and if in the event of the plane going down into a body of water, I have a comfortable floatation device, they also make great pillows or a place to set your book or magazine.

I just thought of something. If someone asked me what my favorite exercise to watch, I do have that answer. It is watching a beautiful woman using the adductor, abductor machine. I find I am able to walk on a treadmill at 8.3 MPH and sweat most profusely and do not even notice the intense chest pains. Unfortunately that event does not occur too often so I carry a camcorder with me just in case and upon filming find myself being immediately escorted from the premises by large men when I do get the opportunity. They usually leave me alone when I start to sing “YMCA” with a few exceptions. I do not feel bad admitting this because most men would agree with me. I like using that machine because it gives me firm buttocks with which I can crack walnuts at Christmas. Who needs a nutcracker? The worse piece of equipment was the testicle strengthener. That thing REALLY hurt until a helpful gym member pointed out me it was suppose to be used to strengthen my neck! It made me feel so much better. I wondered why people would leave the room en mass whenever I was using that piece of equipment.

One of the toughest questions I have ever fielded was “Lee, who is your favorite Serial Killer?” Damn that is a tough question. Do you choose based on body count, skill, type of killing, keen fashion sense? I love women serial killers due to the fact they love using poison although the highest body count on record is over 300 held by 2 South American ladies who loved feeding their prostitutes to alligators. I NEVER underestimate the ladies! Now if they could only do a fashion spread. Playboy will publish their “Serial Killers of the South” later this year. I can hardly wait to see what Miss Georgia loves to use as her number one killing implement.

Well I have to think about what I like to write. Hmm, well even that is tough. Just give me a topic and we will see what I like just nothing about the sex escapades of Rue Paul who is really Dennis Rodman who is really …

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