Jan 252012
 

Psycho KillerI give to you some of the more interesting “Recognized” national days that are contained within February. These were the ones that caught my attention.

February 24th to the 26th is “Texas Cowboy Poetry Week.” I do not know if these are Texas cowboys that write poetry or poetry written about Texas cowboys or Texas being the only state to write poetry about cowboys. This get very confusing, I think if the steers created the prose it would be of more interest and make more sense.

1ST through the 7th is “Solo diners Eat out Weekend.” I may be mistaken but if you are a solo diner do you not eat alone at all times? I guess we are to pay more attention to people eating by themselves this week and express from the depths of our souls their having to eat food under the dark cloud of loneliness while many of us with families and significant others look upon them with envy.

“Dump Your Significant Jerk Week” is the 5th to the 11th. This is just before Valentines Days so you can make that person you dump feel especially sad and lonely when they perceive their ass is finally rid of you and can go onto to happier times in their lives. First and foremost not having to purchase a gluttony of Valentine’s Day presents for YOUR sorry ass!

The 12th to the 18th is “Love a Mench” week. I have no clue what a Mench is. There was a rousing search done for the mention of a Mench but none to be located or identified. I believe the site meant Mensch but I am not sure. So if any of you own a Mench or are a Mench, remember that week to be damn proud of being a Mench!

Now we go to single celebratory days for the Month of February I am sure you will be ecstatic to discover exist and are absolutely 100% “OFFICIALLY OBSERVED NATIONAL DAYS.” You cannot possibly overlook them.

Feb. 1st : Working Naked Day. I am almost positive that since my place of employment has an OVER abundance of people over 300 pounds and a very large percentage are over 60 in age, that many will stay home and forego this very auspicious of days. Those few that venture into work that day will find themselves losing their minds and gouging their eyes out with pencils. I advise all male butchers to also stay home.

Feb. 7th: Wave All your Fingers at Your Neighbor’s Day. If you REALLY dislike them, you can utilize just one finger to really convey your true sentiments about them!

Feb. 9th: Read in the Bathtub Day. A human being can only be submerged in water just so long. Imagine attempting to hold onto that soaking wet copy of “War and Peace” with those pruned finger tips which ceased having any tactile response after just 8 hours in the tub. For men this would be the true extent of the term “Shrinky Dink” Can’t we just have a “Read in the Bathtub for 30 minutes Day?” Let’s be more realistic.

Feb 9th: Extraterrestrial Visitor Day. This will be followed later in the year by” Hostile Extraterrestrial Takeover Day” and the “Enslavement of Mankind Day.”

Feb 12th: Man Day. Is this a day to celebrate just being a specific gender? Is this one Man we are speaking of since it is not “Men” Day? Who is this anonymous Man and why should I celebrate his existence? Man, I just don’t get it!

Feb 13th: Madly in Love with Me Day. This is specifically for all you that suffer from Narcissist and Electra complexes. Purchase a dozen roses for yourself and kiss your face in the mirror at least 20 times. For those that really want to go the distance, it is time to buy that engagement ring!

Feb. 14th: Quirky Alone Day: I can only surmise this day was created to flood psychiatrists’ offices across America. This is for people who wish to attempt trepanation for the first time or to give that down home try at what human flesh tastes like! Hospital E.R.s do an astounding amount of removing objects from people’s rectums on this day. 99.99% of the explanations given have to do with slipping in the shower.

Feb. 18th: Cow Milked While Flying in Airplane Day. What can be said?

Feb. 22nd: Inconvenience Yourself Day. Last year I really prepared myself for this one! The night before, I cut the buttons off my shirt. Tore the zipper off my pants! Removed the laces from my shoes and had the dog eat them. I drove my car until it was on empty. I flattened a tire. I called in sick at work. I made sure I walked to McDonald’s and arrived 1 minute after they stopped serving breakfast the next morning. I broke the key off in my home door so I had to call a locksmith but my cell phone was dead because I did not recharge it. I had to bother the one neighbor that hates my guts vehemently to use his phone and he spit in my face! I ended up having to break a window to get into my house. Someone saw me and called the police. My day just SUCKED! IT WAS GREAT!!!

Feb. 23th: Curling is Cool Day: Hair Curling? Weight Curling? Ice Curling? Toe Curling? These are quite diverse curling activities but are they cool? I wish the idiots that had this day established were more specific!

Feb. 28th: Rare Disease Day: There is no compilation of a list of what rare diseases qualify for this day and since the day is so obscure there will be people engaged in fisticuffs declaring their disease is more rare then another’s. Hell, just to watch a couple episodes of “House” and you will trump anyone with a disease that is only prevalent in 6 people in the world!

I must say I am looking forward to March. I still have Jan. 30th to look forward to, “Inane Answering Message Day.” The one day you change your answering machine to state anything you want. That means mine changes from “You have reached Psycho Killer, male whore and meth cooker, leave a number and I will call from prison.” to “You have reached Psycho Killer and I am not here, Leave a message.”

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