Jul 062011

Psycho KillerThe 4th of July can be so adventurous in the Bay Area it can at time be frightening. I plan every year to travel north to home of my friend NX to spend the holiday with him and his family. This always entails fun, great food and conversation. Getting to NX’s is where the adventure begins.

A hot front had moved into the Bay Area from the Sahara Desert and that always spells trouble having to ward off desert bandits nomads on their camels running rampant everywhere.  I always keep an ample supply of Camel Chow with me as to throw at bandits attempting to run me down. Camels cannot resist the great taste of camel chow! Thanks Purina! My rear mounted machine guns under my tail lights are very effective against them as well as the newspaper boy trying to collect subscription money from me. Before we left to head up north, I took two water containers and half filled them with ice and the other half water to the vehicle. Little did I know it was 127 degrees in the shade outside and by the time I reached the car, I had dumped both containers of ice and water down my pants. This called for more drastic measure which entailed hauling a small piece of an iceberg with us. This was a more effective use of ice in that is slowly melted during the trip and I had the opportunity to free Leonardo Dicapprio’s body from it along with Titanic collector’s edition life jacket he happened to be wearing. It also acted as a decoy to draw fire from the Nomads. I only had to extract three bullets from the body before I sold it.

First stop was to get gasoline and of course it being 12:30PM, the gas station looked like a parking lot with cars facing each other, backing into spaces, people jousting in cars for next place in line. One person actually lay down in a space to try and save it but just got repeatedly driven over because she was mistaken as a newly placed speed bump. I truly loathe this particular Safeway gas station due to the fact to even BEGIN to pump gas you must wait for the transaction to take up to 10 or more minutes. It is so slow I have seen the price of gas lower and rise as I am standing there waiting to pump gas. There is one nifty feature the pump’s electronics provide and that is how much older you have gotten since arriving and your death date which just so coincides with that age estimation. I heard three gentlemen parked behind me just ranting about the amount of time it took to fill their tanks. I looked back and realized it was really one man that had developed Alzheimer’s while waiting for the ATM access to complete. After spending a day and a ½ there we were finally able to leave with permission of the armed forces. Thank you Mr. President!

Traveling over the Altamont Pass I notice only one windmill out of the hundreds located there was moving and that was very slow. There was a small herd of cows blowing into it to see if they could get to move and amazingly they did. PG&E should place them on the payroll instead of eating them. It is the typical plight of the California hill cow. No one cuts them slack. Driving through there reminds me of Amsterdam without the legalized prostitution and drugs which means that it is absolutely no fun. The grass is dead and brown, making it the perfect arson’ target for a grass fire. Too many times cows never have background checks performed on them before being placed in a pasture and inevitably fires are set. No one points hooves at anyone since they have a family hierarchy even more stringent than even the Como Nostra. You talk and your head ends up in some human’s bed someplace! There is a small contingency of the herd that is Yakuza and they are easily spotted wearing suits to cover up all their tattoos.

The next point of interest came when we were following the freeway through Berkley which received the name Berzerkley for specific reasons. Very special people reside there and live on the power of their crystals and tie dyed shirts. The counter culture that exists there are the current student body at the university whose male populace wear tribal penal tattoos and pants 3 times too small. This is in direct proportion to the size of their brains and leaves them completely defenseless to the most heinous of wedgies. Every type of paranormal activity is examined Berkeley including whether Janet Reno is really a man or woman. There is also a movement to have Bigfoot run for President IF they can find him. I was almost to University Avenue when it happened. Some person unknown discovered an ancient room that had not been opened in 43 years. When he did, hundreds of hippies protesting the Vietnam War poured forth out into the streets. They made their way to the freeway blocking traffic and waving their anti war signs in our faces. Some person near the angry, long haired, smelly mod informed them that the war had been over for decades. Being disheartened by the news they all stripped off their clothes and started an orgy in the streets. The drivers had enough of these make love not war shenanigans and proceeded to run them over them with their cars. Bottom line, do not screw with a fourth of July crowd trying to reach their destination. You know that is true when you see a priest in a car bouncing over two bodies screaming “Kill them all and let God out them out!” which I believe was the next days’ sermon.

The real fun came when we reached the bridge to go to San Raphael. There is one lane that everyone that does not utilize Fast Track has to squeeze into while there are three open lanes for Fast Track users. I find it discriminatory that we are paying with cash to have to wait in line while others go streaking by flipping us off and drinking champagne and mooning us all at the same time. He was a very talented individual!  I always wondered what would happen if someone went speeding by and his Fast Track account had insufficient funds in it. I had my answered questioned within a matter of minutes when a silver Porsche blew through the toll gate. An ear splitting alarm sounded and we noticed movement on top of the toll booth’s roof. Three gentlemen in gray colored camouflage rose into a sitting position with sniper rifles and opened fire. The Porsche lost control and went over the side of the bridge with a force of 8 armed guards racing to the wreckage. I felt like I was watching “Escape from New York.” If I would have known it was going to be that violent, I would have paid his toll! Death by Fast Track is a horrible way to go! Damn they have gotten strict! I think I will continue to pay CASH!

Once back on 101 North you discover everyone in the Bay Area is going to Sonoma. It being 2 PM I started yelling out the window to people they may as well turn around now because once they reach their destination it will time to return home! Traffic was slow. I helped gentleman in a car next me complete the last three New York Times crossword puzzles. We did get to see some deer by the side of the road and took pictures only to discover it was a kids business and each photo we had taken of the plastic deer we owed the 1 dollar. They were very ingenious kids. If they were selling lemonade as well I would have bought that too. I should have known the deer were not real because the gnomes did not look quite right!

We finally arrived at my friend’s home and it only took 2.5 hours. We were walking up to his house when a pant less man motioned for us to follow him into the side gate. Fortunately I know the next door neighbor loves to expose himself even to meat being BBQ’d on his grill. To see many a smiling face was a sight to see. As a wise man once said “The journey you experience on the way to your destination is the adventure.” That is so true.

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