Apr 192012

Psycho KillerI was raised and lived in a haunted house, at least according to my insane half-sister. Do you comprehend the emotional damage you can inflict upon 3 young boys, 5 and under with your ranting’s pertaining to ghostly encounters? Well I can tell you the effect, it SCARES YOU SHITLESS! My sister was constantly relaying stories of spirit encounters to us. One of my favorites looking back upon it now had to do with my sister’s claim that at night she would hear noises downstairs and in the morning discover all the furniture had been moved around. I always thought it must be damn boring in the afterlife if what power you utilize in your spirit form to manipulate objects is to re-arrange furniture to suit your taste. What a waste of power! I would contact the spirit and ask them to do the dishes or the laundry, make the beds or vacuum. This would be incredibly useful and bridge the gap between fear and developing a working relationship with your ghost. Just leave explicit notes around the house explaining what you need done and ask that the spirit put its energy to a purpose instead of just silly, crazy things like animating clowns and dragging you under the bed or turning your closet into some other dimensional maelstrom and sucking you into it! I HATE that!

This is the indelible belief my sister instilled in me. If I encountered anything immediately that caught me off guard I would invariably look for a logical explanation which I always found. Connie was of the mind that anything encountered IMMEDIATELY was of a spiritual nature. As you know I detest and do not acknowledge the words “paranormal or supernatural” due to the fact that if all this silliness is real and has existed always concurrently along with our existence, it is “natural and normal”. Here is a perfect case in point. It is a lazy summer’s day, we were sitting in the living room and the front door was open. Across the road in the valley someone was using a chainsaw to cut down trees. Suddenly we hear what sounded like a slight tapping on the door leading to the upstairs. We open the door and nothing is there. We close it and the tapping begins again! Immediately my sister launches into the ghostly explanation of the event. I on the other hand open and close the door a few times. I walk to the front door and close it and the tapping stops. I open the door and the tapping starts. It is the sound vibrations emanating from the chain saw bouncing off the door and the play in the door are causing it to vibrate. I explain this and I am damned to Hell since there had to be a ghost involved somewhere. I explained I think it was in the spiritual construction of the door. Ghost just didn’t make them like they used to. All creaking and squeaky!

My brothers and I slept in one bed when very young. When we were ordered to go to bed it was a royal rumble to see who got the spot next to the wall and would be safe for the night and the unfortunate soul that had to sleep in the edge of the bed. You would be awake all night, scared of the ghosts prowling the house. Was it under the bed or in the creepy closet? Screw the monster in the closet and under the bed, the ghost was much worse since my sister never mentioned under the bed or in the closet monsters! I remember many a 3 underwear change of nights spent in that house as a kid.

As we grew older we realized there was nothing to fear. The three of us never encountered a ghost or anything weird or strange as we grew up. No matter how I tried to channel the ghost or ghosts of the house to do my chores it just never worked! These were obviously lazy ghosts or had packed their things and went with my sister when she left. Of course this does not mean we did not try to scare the crap out of each other as we grew up, it just was immediate after knowledge of the scarer and the scaree that led to pummeling the bejesus out of each other! Since there were no ghost, I essentially became a ghost myself for many a year. I just LOVED to see reaction to whatever I subjected a person to. My love of psychology started way back when and has never ceased.

My sister always described the woman that haunted the house as an old woman she saw occasional. No one ever died in our house. What are the rules for a haunting anyway? I looked on the internet and could not come up with a set of rules. Why did she decide to move into our house? Could we hire a ghostly lawyer and get her for spiritual squatting? I thought someone had to die in the house to have a ghost. I am sure my sister did not order it from the JC Penney catalogue. Why was she so preoccupied with our furniture? Why do ghosts wear clothes? Do nudist that die haunt naked? Why do they all look SO different? I have had the opportunity to hear many people’s personal encounters with ghosts. Somehow I just seem to doubt the stories once I hear them. The vast majority of stories always start with “I was in bed…” You just lost credibility with me when I hear that statement. They are called dreams. This is akin with the majority of UFO abduction cases you hear and I did research into that for a year. You just meet a LOT of very sad people that need a lot of psychological help and are attention starved. Someone should use the Ouija Board to contact the afterlife to get the rules for being a ghost. What happens if I am cremated? Who goes to purgatory and why? What if I led a happy life and find myself a ghost? What if I died in an outhouse or on the toilet? Do I haunt the toilet? What are my parameters? Can I go for a daily float around the block on a nice day? Do I see other ghost and can I form friendships? Maybe a life after death 12 step program? Do ghostly farmers still try and plow the field? What if you were an alcoholic or drug addict? Are you constantly seeking out beer or weed? Nothing about being a ghost makes sense. People say they have seen the ghost of animals but how can that be? Don’t you have to have a soul to be a ghost? Animals are not supposed to have a soul. Just what I need a ghostly dog to crap everywhere and hump my leg! You just cannot get away from it! Should we not be knee deep in the ghosts of chickens, turkeys, pigs, cows you name it which all die unhappily to fill our bellies? I call that a very unhappy and tragic ending!

This leads us to contacting the spirit world. There are people named mediums when they are clearly large or extra-large that claim to be able to contact the spirit world. What they are very good at it capitalizing on someone’s pain and separating them from their money. Lots of money is the key component to contacting spirits. That is why there are so many spectral bankers. I would not want to talk with the dead myself. They seem really boring since all they can do is tell you things you already know. If someone could contact a spirit for me and they gave me great info on a stock and I made money on it, I would whole heartedly believe in ghosts. If this were really possible there would be NO mysteries in the world EVER. Just conjure up J.F.K. and asked him what REALLY happened. You would find out Hitler did it just for the chicks. How many places are parts of Jimmy Hoffa really buried. There would be no doubt about events that happened historically. You just contact the spirit and get a ghost writer… literally! What a bunch of crap. You know what I find REALLY funny are sites that claim fraud from psychics. REALLY? They are frauds? All anyone has to do is look at psychic’s record to see almost everything that comes out of their mouth is incorrect and diarrhea in either order. This is another reason I have long ago lost any hope in mankind. Just look at Sylvia Browne’s record. The woman makes 800-850 dollars for a twenty minute phone session in which she tells you nothing. Geez save yourself money and learn to read chicken bones. You will be more accurate due to chance.

This brings me to my all-time favorite the Ouija Board. Ours was made by the game company Parker Brothers who created Monopoly. The board is supposedly a conduit to spirits. How does pressing a board from cardboard make this a conduit to ghosts? I can only imagine it goes through a process similar to creating kosher meats. A figure dressed in black, whose face is never seen, passes a boney skeletal hand over each and every board created mumbling something about the spicy meatball sandwich he had for lunch from Togos. The planchette is cheap plastic too. If this thing REALLY worked the planchette would move on its own without anyone pushing it to where they want it to go. I witnessed an experiment done involving three people using the board and getting answers yes or no that they asked of a spirit. They were then blindfolded and without their knowledge the board was turned upside down. Oh those wacky spirits kept answering question yes and no but pointing to the end of the board that had no printing! This was very amusing and gratifying to me.

We then have specific kinds of ghosts. The poltergeist (Mischievous ghost) is one that everyone seems to encounter. It seems that poltergeist just love to throw breakable things around. That is it. Everyone’s account it the same. Something flew off table, mantel piece, cabinet and broke. Maybe poltergeists just hate ceramic items? Maybe all were baseball pitchers in a past life? Pull out the Ouija and let’s find out! We have our single ghosts. They are still looking on the internet ghost dating sites to find that special someone. Then we have full-fledged hauntings. Multiple ghosts and Hell bubbling up in the basement, you really need good exterminators in these cases. Maybe the two guys from one of those ghost programs on cable that were ex plumbers? Why not, they are as much qualified and experts in the field as any other dweeb. This brings immediately to mind of the book and subsequent dozen movies pertaining to the house in Amityville. I remember reading the book and just saying to myself after a while “GIVE ME A BREAK!” You want to talk about over doing it, these people came up with some crazy farcical bullshit and sold a billion copies of a book. What was interesting is the people that purchased and moved into the house afterwards experienced nothing. I guess Hell bubbling forth in your basement affect people differently. An older couple with poor eyesight and hearing may never be bothered. They do not hear the unearthly, demonic voices ordering them to “GET OUT!” they just reply “What did you say Dottie?” or believe the dark figure with glowing red eyes standing in the doorway is just the television out of focus.

You want ghost hunting equipment? Just go to Amazon and you will find an incredible array of useless things to detect ghosts. There is an EMF meter. How does anyone know if a ghost gives off and electro-magnetic field? There are entire ghost hunting kits put together. Do yourself a favor and read the reviews for these products! One person was upset that the deluxe kit did not come with petri dishes for ectoplasm samples. I love this review: Do not waste your money on this kit. Half of the stuff in here is useless and the rest require a good amount of training to use.
Find a reputable paranormal group near you and connect with them. Learn the craft before spending this kind of money on equipment that you do not need. It is just another example of a money-making idea from some paranormal groups.
Until you are sure you know what you are doing in the field, and know that you want to do it for real, save your money. “A reputable paranormal group?” BWA HA HA . “Make sure you know what you are doing in the field”, these people actually believe this? Is there a main, licensing body for ghost hunting? Someone HAS to be making bank off this crapola.

I will end this on a couple of notes, some people that have conveyed to me their encounters with ghosts. My roommate Dani tells me about two ghosts she has seen and this amazes me. One was a dark black cloud that moved around and she said it was evil. I asked how did you know it was evil. She said it was her great grandfather and he was evil. I asked how do you know it was your great grandfather. She just knew. This is the account that disturbs me. The other ghost was one that appeared frequently to her. It was only a floating torso that looked like some twisted Howdy Doody! It would never say anything just appear and follow her around. She said she knew it was harmless. I do not know about you but having something like that following me around the house would lead to insanity and trip to the asylum. All I can postulate is she took a lot of acid at one time. How do you respond to something like that with no incredulity? I had another friend that said she had seen her dead grandmother standing at the end of her bed. I asked the circumstances. She was taken to the emergency room with a 104 degree temperature, intestinal tract twisted. She was given pain killers and prepped immediately for surgery with a pre anesthesia shot. She looked up and there was her grandmother. I responded that I had NO doubt she saw her grandmother! 🙂

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