HEAVENâ€”With a proclamation today that sent a shockwave through heaven, God, the almighty, said that the second coming would be heralded in with the thundering sound of kettledrums. “I know, I know, I have said for a millennia that it would be heralded in by the ear shattering sound of a trumpet. The other day I started thinking about it and thought I really don’t want to blow everyone’s eardrums out. I mean the chosen shouldn’t have to suffer! Only the wicked shall I smite along with those that watch that stupid Survivor show and Jerry Springer!”
When a reporter made a comment that the big guy was really the impetus for these television shows, God replied, “Hey, I imbued you with free will. You are the ones that come up with this horse shit, don’t blame me!”
When asked why kettledrums, the master of matter replied, ” I just thought it would be so much more dramatic! You know, start with a small rumbling in the distance as the firmament opens and the drums become louder and louder until I let loose the four horseman upon mankind. I want an effect just like out of the movie Apocalypse Now.” The bearded giant laughed hardily. “Hey, I have a sense of humor, you know! I mean, you know, the real four horsemen riding and bringing death to the Ride Of The Valkeries! Whenever I hear a horn now, I hear Chuck Mangione or something like Kenny G. for Christ’s sake, it’s weak! Sorry son!” God said as he bit his lip.
The holiest of holies then added, “I want people to respect me and what I am capable of doing like my recent appearance on the Win Ben Stein’s Money show as a special guest. I mean I had to call Ben home when he beat me. Some human punk-ass showing me up on the boob tube! I am supposed to appear on Jeopardy in 2 weeks and you can bet your ass Alex Trebek is crapping his pants! That is why I inspired the invention of depends. This time I think I will appear in my true heavenly form of exquisite light and fry the orbs from people’s eye sockets at the end of the program as a grand finale. But I digress. Kettledrums it is!”
A rumor had been heard that heavenly badboy, the archangel Gabriel, was very upset about this change of plans and this reporter tracked down the famous angel for a comment. I ran into him on a rather fluffy cumulus cloud jamming with Jimi Hendrix and sounding like a complete amateur. “I am so PISSED! You know how long I sat around learning to play that stupid horn? I mean, you have to practice your ass off to herald in the second coming. Especially for everyone to hear you all at once and to bring forth blood from their ears! No everyday horn man can do that!” Gabriel bitched. “So here I am, day in and day out playing this fucking horn. Do you think I would have chosen this instrument to learn to play? Hell no! I did it because if the Big Guy says you are going to play the horn, you play the fucking horn! Now I have to start to learn to play these fucking kettledrums! Thankfully the second coming is a long ways off! Fuck, I wasn’t supposed to say that! My ass is grass now! Just think what I could have done if I had been playing the guitar all this time! I would have been a diva man! Jimi wouldn’t be so embarrassed to be heard with me. Man this just sucks!”
Gabriel ended by saying, “I will keep playing the axe just in case the heavenly father decides he wants to herald in the second coming with a rendition of Purple Haze! Hey, it could happen!”
God’s last comment after hearing Gabriel speak was, “It will be a cold day in Hellâ€¦”