Jul 012002

Skip WhitleyMy friends, I have been given a vision-a vision of a bright and wonderful future, a vision that I will share with you, a vision that went thusly:

I awoke in my bed, and immediately knew that something was amiss. It was difficult for me to sit up, as if there were a weight holding me down. I forced open my gummy eyes to take a look at what was the matter. That’s when I saw the grease.

My arms, my head, my legs…my entire body was covered in a layer of grease. As I started to force my mind to wakefulness, I saw that everything in my room was covered with grease! The floor, the walls, my bookshelves and desk, all slathered in grease. I could see more of it oozing in through under the door. I managed, with some difficulty, to extricate myself from my bed and make my way to my front door.

As I emerged from my house onto my front lawn, I was flabbergasted. Everything, for as far as the eye could see, was covered with grease. Every house, every car, and every mailbox glistened with it. “But why?” I asked. “Why is everything covered in grease?”

“It was on sale!” God said, chortling as he rained down more grease from the Heavens.

And suddenly it all made sense.

At first, people were quick to criticize the Miracle of Grease. Doorknobs were slippery, they said, and it took forever to enter or exit a room. Everybody’s carpet was ruined. It was unsettling to taste a lump of grease every time you opened your mouth to talk. But as time went on, people began to appreciate the grease for the blessing it truly was.

The first sign of the amazing powers of grease was the sudden sharp drop in air pollution. Roads were treacherously slippery, which made automobiles extraordinarily unsafe to drive. People soon discovered that it was actually easier to travel by skating on the layers of grease. Just picture it, hoards of people skating down the greasy lanes of the interstate highway. Breathtaking!

The next benefit of the grease was more obvious: World peace. How can there be war when nobody can hold a weapon? The global greasing had made all firearms too slippery to hold, much less fire. Even clubs and knives would fly out of a would-be attacker’s hand, making them impossible to wield. More proof of the Miracle of Grease!

So I say to you, do not listen to those who would decry the virtues of grease. Turn a deaf ear to those foolish people who would call it unhealthy and advise you to cut it from your diet. For I have seen the future, and the grease will save us all!

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