May 012017

It finally was available for viewing, and by “IT” I mean the Russian, hero-based movie named the “The Guardians”. Please never misconstrue this with the popular Marvel superhero-based group. Viewing this movie is akin to eating meat and potatoes without meat and potatoes; almost all substance seems to be missing.

The premise: A group of mutants, whose creation displays very little imagination, are brought together by an agency to fight an ultimate bad guy who utilizes computer technology 10-20 years in the past (Where the hell did they find a mono monitor and how is it running?). The ultimate bad guy has the power to control and manipulate all machinery. This begs the question I always quip in stories dealing with such phenomenon: how does equipment operate itself if there is NO mechanical mechanisms for it to do so? He dons a muscle-man latex prosthetic suit and growls and glowers constantly so we KNOW he is evil and not just constipated.

This teams consists of four meta humans who were genetically engineered and became so disgruntled, they hid themselves. Apparently, not too well since it takes 19 seconds of film time to locate all four.

The team consists of a male who can transform, in varying degrees, to a bear in horrifically bad CGI. Why not a chipmunk or ferret-man? You wish fierceness? How about a honey badger-man? I kept awaiting for the in joke about if a bear-man shits in the woods… Another male, who for some reason has a penchant for rocks, can throw them with his mind and augment his body with them. Another individual, with 2 semicircular blades, can manipulate them while moving using line of sight teleportation. The final member is a woman who becomes invisible and is superlative in the use of close quarter combat. The team trains and is thrust into their first incursion with the ultimate bad guy, and are thoroughly trounced within 43 seconds.

They regroup, and the leader of the organization along with the finest scientific minds of Russia, devise ways to augment the heroes to make them more difficult to defeat. Those unimaginable geniuses strap a GUN to the bear man! Damn, sheer brilliance! The rock-guy now controls an electrical whip (What happened to his rock power?), and do we really care what they did with the other two?

Their second foray with doctor evil fares only marginally better. As he exploits his formidable power to have lines of programming code parse across a CGA and mono monitor, our heroes focus their thoughts through the now electrical guy and turn Doc Evil’s citadel of nefariousness, anchored to other building, to a pile of rubble.

They are physiologically spent and we are psychologically pissed! We are apprised at the end that they had found a FIFTH Guardian! How much more excitement can one individual experience? What banal and uninspired power will this chump have? Stay tuned for “The Guardians 2: Grandson of Flubber”.

— PK

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