Jan 312001

ROHNERT PARK, CA–“I can’t believe those idiots can’t build a simple fire!” exclaimed Bryan Dunst, a refrigerator repairman from Rohnert Park, California, as he watched the season premiere of Survivor on Sunday. “What a bunch of idiots,” he continued. “Weren’t any of those morons ever Boyscouts? Jesus Christ, I can make a simple fire!”

“He’s been yelling at the TV for about 45 minutes now,” added Dunst’s wife Sally as her husband threw his hands into the air when yet another Survivor contestant failed to produce a flame. “He gets so emotional watching this show. Last year he even started crying when Rudy didn’t win. He takes it very seriously.”

When asked for his side of the story, Dunst added, “Godammit, I wish a crocodile would just eat those stupid bastards! Look at them! They don’t have a fuckin’ clue! You know, I need to get on that show and show those morons how things are done. I am the ultimate Survivor!” He then proceeded to his refrigerator where he asked, “Sally, where’s the goddamn beer? How am I supposed to live without beer?”

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