Jul 202011

Psycho KillerI have been a gym rat for years. I started when I was a teenager and still go to the gym now though the times I cycle off periods become longer. I am back at the gym punishing myself again trying to lose weight and put on some muscle. I realize that in all that time very little has changed within the gym environment in all these year. I always have pet peeves about working out but that list has been augmented. Say yesterday when it was 100 plus out and Satan was in the parking lot with sunbathing oil on, enjoying the burn and of course there is no AC in the free weight room. It looked as though Vlad the Imapaler had ran rampant in the rooms. There were bodies’ strewn, hanging from machines, devoid of life and thought similar to a typical family watching reality television.

I was quite excited to see sign posted that specifies no grunting. You see some men find it a necessity to grunt while they are lifting weights similar in fashion to when they pass a bowel movement. They must send an auditory signal to inform you that what they are lifting is heavy or it really is not, they just want you to THINK that. On two occasions I have encountered what I have named “Shoop Shoop” lifters. There is one located at my present gym. As they do each rep, they synchronize a loud verbal ‘SHOOP!” with the movement. This begins to insidiously implant itself within your brain until you feel an over whelming urge to remove your underwear and garrote them with your undies in mid “SHOOP!” It is VERY annoying! Hard to believe you cannot drown out a Shooper with a MP3 player. We also have the HEAVY breather. Instead of just breathing they sound like they are hyperventilating or I can liken it to that obscene phone caller you occasionally get but only at 100 DB.

It is almost as annoying as the lifter that passes gas while he lifts and then stealthily walks away from an area containing other people that look at each other with murder in their eyes. This happened to me the other day. I walk to the part of the gym that contains the legs machines. There is one person there. As I approach the adductor machine, my nose hairs melt down and I pass out from the smell. It was BAD. I found myself not just annoyed but angry. I stood there holding my nose making verbal comments as to how it smelled like someone had dragged a 3 week old dead Yak into the room. The man would NOT look at me or acknowledge me. The amount of air being circulated by the AC system at that moment was tremendous but it lingered for TEN MINUTES. It was the fart equivalent of Hiroshima. They could have placed this in a canister and have used it to incapacitate enemy troop in the military. I just wanted so badly to say to him “Dude, I KNOW IT IS YOU! You are the ONLY one here! Check your pants to see that you did not go in them!” Believe me you would have been just as offended! Of course I could not use the leg press after he walked away due to the covering on the machine’s seat had melted through.

Now we have the person that buys a gym membership but refuses to exercise. I love these people. They will sit their ass down on a piece of equipment and do 1 set to my 20. They sit and look around, stare at the ceiling, text message. This always seems to be on a piece of equipment I want to use. At my last membership at Gold’s Gym, there was a gentleman that would come to the gym with a newspaper and proceed to sit on a bench and read it. His home life must be Hell if you have to go to the gym to read your newspaper. More than one person complained about that guy. Then you have the muscle head that tries to take possession of 2 or more stations. I love these guys. Steroid heads with IQs in the 60s. They want to fight with you because of it. I find a stun gun or pepper spray work very well. A ferret in the shorts work best of all! Or I just eat a lot of garlic and get in their face and breathe really hard. They shrivel up more than they do just on the steroids. I think the brain shrinks along with the genitals when on roids.

I remember being in Gold’s Gym years ago when the Miss Olympia was taking place. My lifting mate and I were doing a workout routine when 3 of the ladies came into the gym. Wade and I were amazed and impressed at the size and definition. As we were admiring them, the rest of the men in the gym ran screaming out the back door. Talk about men being insecure with their masculinity! I swear the ladies had larger testicles then the guys. Needless to say my friend and I did not have to wait to use equipment.

Another gym occurrence I always get a laugh out of are the women that buy 200 to 300 dollar gym outfit and come in not only wearing that outfit but wearing full make up. They proceed to do nothing but sit around waiting for the paparazzi to appear and take pictures of them or for every guy to be drooling over them. The men are as guilty of this as the women. They do 1 dumb bell curl and stare in the mirror for 5 minutes at their bicep which is still small and scrawny. This is true Narcissism. I swear you cannot tear some of these guys away from the mirrors. I wish I could see through their eyes at what they are looking at. They see a mountain, I see a mole hill. I think this is the same illusion men have about their penis size and all women believing they are great in bed.

One last irritant I will mention are the length men go through to try and impress one another. They will try and lift, improperly, WAY too much weight. I have never understood this phenomenon. To see a man try and curl a 120 pound dumbbell when he could REALLY only lift with proper form 50 is like watching someone stuff a sperm whale into a goldfish bowl. I FEEL the pain watching them going through gyrations and watching their spleens explode just to try to impress someone who may be watching is PAINFUL. I saw someone doing lat pulls the other day I swear they were riding on a luge. Needless to say, said person will not be seen for a while since they had to have stitches to close where their genitals exploded against the mirror. Personally I like my genitals and my internal organs so I plan to keep lifting properly and prevent internal hemorrhaging.

Next time you are at the gym take a look around you. They are all there and more! The weight droppers that do it to get your attention. The person performing aerobics that is on the treadmill for only 5 minutes. The men that workout around the adductor, abductor machine waiting for a woman to use it! In many ways it is silly and many are pathetic. No wonder it has always been a “Just me!” sport.

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