Mar 212001

SAN JOSE, CA–Milpitas resident Dilgert Smengay was admitted to San Jose Hospital on Tuesday with multiple cuts, contusions and bites to his head. Emergency room attendants were stymied as to the cause of the injuries until they talked with the EMT’s. Apparently Smengay had a dozen hamsters taped and glued to his head in a writhing, hissing and generally pissed off state. The only way the EMT’s could placate the hamsters was to feed them Doritos and Budweiser and put in a video of Babe. “The only tool we had to get them off his head was the tire iron from the bambalance,” said Bo-Bo Terdes. “All he kept screaming was, ‘Get them off my head! Thank, God it wasn’t my GROIN!’”

When asked why he had fixed the rodents to his head, Smengay stated he had wanted to do something about his baldness but could not afford conventional methods. “I saw the hamsters and I got the idea,” he said. I bought 12 hamsters and glued them to my head. They proceeded to go NUTS! It was when they started to pee that it REALLY hurt,” concluded Smengay. “Thank God it’s over! Next time I will try lemmings!”

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