LAKE OSWEGO, ORâ€”Tragedy struck this Monday, as an unsuspecting Timothy Winston went to work at the local Maxocorp office, same as he did every weekday morning. Soon after booting up his computer, Winston heard a shrill “Ding!” that sounded like a clarion call of doom. On his monitor he saw the foreboding message: “Error Starting Program: A required .DLL file, DMAFT.DLL, was not found”.
“Obviously, somebody took him,” Winston said, regarding the missing DLL. “He’s probably sitting on some strange hacker’s hard drive, surrounded by porno bitmaps, pirated MP3s and other unsavory types, scared and alone. Oh, my poor DMAFT.DLL!”
The authorities have been “absolutely no help whatsoever”, according to Winston. “When I called the police station and told the desk Sergeant what had happened, he told me that there was nothing he could do. They had to treat it as a runaway for the first 48 hours. As if my poor DLL would leave me of it’s own volition!” Winston fumed. “I asked if we could at least get the word out, so people would know to look for him. I wanted to circulate a picture of him, but the police said that they couldn’t fit DMAFT.DLL’s thirty pages of source code on the side of a milk carton. So I had to settle for a name and a description. I guess that that will have to doâ€¦but there are just so many 1.4 megabyte DLLs out there!” Winston whined, then started to weep uncontrollably.
“Tim has always had a problem with overreacting,” said Bob Stumpman, the security call desk supervisor for Maxocorp. “I remember his first week here. He called me, demanding to know where his garbage was disappearing to every night. I tried to explain to him that the janitors emptied the trashcans at night, but he wouldn’t believe me because he had never seen them. Don’t even get me started about the time somebody borrowed his stapler,” Stumpman groaned. “I suggested that he send out an e-mail to everybody in the office, to see if they had another copy of that DLL,” Stumpman concluded.
“I was going to send out an e-mail,” Timothy admitted, when questioned about Stumpman’s suggestion. “But I can’t run my e-mail program without DMAFT.DLL. I’m so lost without him!”