(ESN) — Monday, August 30th, 2010, will be remembered in history as the day the Science Institute of Redundant Research (SIRR) has announced the results of their most prominent researches.
According to the press release, fifty years of meticulous research on a never before seen scale have led to amazing conclusions in the hot fields of ‘depression’, and ‘general pointlessness of life’.
Whereas previously it was speculated that having no reason to get out of bed in the morning made it harder for people to get up, now it is scientifically proven that this is indeed the case.
“No longer would we have to wander aimlessly in the realms of speculation and ignorant, primitive superstition,” says Dr. Plump Buttocks, senior analyst and executive chairman of SIRR, while eating a giant bowl of caviar in his 50 square foot golden jacuzzi.
“This research is a victory for science and reason over the dark oppression of religion and common sense. It was worth every penny of the approximately $88 billion invested in our pock… err, delicate measuring equipment.”
When asked about what the SIRR is doing to promote other topics, such as world hunger, Dr. Buttocks scoffed, explaining that, “There’s no market for that! Destitute people don’t buy anti-depression drugs, so what’s the point?”
But later during the interview, he admitted that there’s some guy in a basement somewhere, starving himself to death in order to prove that ‘hungry people are hungry’.
“It may not have any commercial value, but my son is planning to take a picture of his corpse so he can turn it into yet another lame demotivational meme.”