Horrorscopes

 

NX - Knows all, sees allAries [March 21 – April 19]: You could literally change the world like Aries feminist Gloria Steinem, Civil Rights activist Paul Robeson and climate change leader Al Gore. But more than likely you’ll just mess it all up like public masturbator Paul Rubens.

Taurus [April 20 – May 20]: Uranus in the twelfth house can open your formerly-stubborn mind to all kinds of future-forward ideas. But you don’t want to come off like the crackpot conspiracy theorist spouting off nonsensical ramblings about the Illuminati or alien visitations while your friends nervously eyeball the nearest exit. You’ll definitely want to put a positive spin on things. Try touting the cleansing benefits of anal probes for once.

Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Some Geminis could pull up the stakes this week and move to a neighborhood with a livelier cultural scene. But more that likely, you’ll just end up defleaing your cats again.

Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Learning a new piece of software could spell money in the bank. Unless it’s reminiscent of the software you released last time that landed you three years in the pokey.

Leo [July 23 – August 22]: Mull over the changes you’re making this week, Leo. Are you throwing out the baby with the bathwater? No, really. Don’t you hear that crying outside?

Virgo [August 23 – September 22]: Draw people close, but keep boundaries in place. You can take a few steps back without creating a canyon-sized gulf between you. This is a week to explore your individuality WITHIN partnerships—be they romantic, platonic or professional… Just don’t let the cops catch you outside that window again.

Libra [September 23 – October 22]: Flitting outside the usual scenes serves up the kinds of connections you’ve been craving—with people who stimulate your intellect and inspire your activist nature. And yes, this strategy works well for Libras seeking love as well as those seeking Pokémon.

Scorpio [October 23 – November 21]: Self-care should be top priority. Manage stress levels with regular breaks and lots of exercise. By the same token, don’t burn yourself out with an intense Soul Cycle schedule or force a juice cleanse when you really need the calories of chewable meals and the brain power that protein provides. After all, you remember what happened the last time you took too much of that Colon Blow.

Sagittarius [November 22 – December 21]: Rejuvenation fuels productivity. Remember that if you need an excuse to use a vacation day or play hooky from your job. Let’s face reality, no one’s really going to miss you anyway.

Capricorn [December 22 – January 19]: Make time for close friends and family—and don’t be surprised if you get a little choked up by their love and support—especially when they insist you finally move out of the basement and/or couch.

Aquarius [January 20 – February 18]: These spontaneous stars could spur a fateful connection with a stranger. A thought-provoking conversation could turn into a sexy meeting of the minds and hearts or an innovative collaboration for work… or it can turn into yet another standoff with the local authorities.

Pisces [February 19 – March 20]: Speak up—especially in social groups—and add your opinions to the dialogue. By being up front about your likes and dislikes, you’ll give everyone an equal chance to unfriend you on Facebook.

 Posted by at 1:45 pm