METROPOLISâ€”Tragedy struck yesterday in the city of Metropolis, and the life of one man was changed forever.
The fateful event occurred last evening in the home of Stan “Wild Thing” Cornell, as he was entertaining several guests. Stan had invited several friends over for an impromptu get-together that started pleasantly enough, but started to turn ugly as the night wore on.
“I tried to warn Stan to slow down, start taking it easy,” said eyewitness Bubba Goodall, “but he just wouldn’t listen. He had already had a few drinks, and was starting to look a little woozy. Then he gets this crazy idea to make us all some Girl Scout cookies (a drink consisting of hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps). I offered to make them for him, but he wouldn’t hear of it.”
It was while Stan was heating the hot chocolate over his stove that the tragedy occurred.
“So Stan is just holding this pot over the stove real casual like,” Bubba continued, “and I can see his grip is slipping. I try to shout out a warning, but it’s already too late. The pot slips sideways and Stan’s hand is covered in molten chocolate.”
At this point, Stan’s hand had inexplicably burst into flame. Several people tried to assist him, but Stan had run screaming out onto the patio of his 15th story apartment.
As luck would have it, at that precise moment Superman, the Man of Steel, just happened to be flying by Stan’s apartment building. Seeing that he was in an obvious state of peril, Superman tried to assist Stan by shooting a gust of super-chilled breath his way. The gust of air managed to extinguish the burning hand, but also had the unintended affect of blowing all of the hair off of Stan’s head. Assuming that all was well, Superman had then waved cheerfully, and flown off to thwart a bank robbery downtown.
All this and more had come to light this morning, when Stan Cornell called a press conference to announce his new career in Super-villainy.
“Thanks to Superman, my life has been ruined,” Stan told reporters. “My career waiting tables at Chez Lex (Lex Luthor’s upscale French Restaurant) is now over, due to my baldness and freakish disfigurement. Curse you, Superman!”
“But isn’t Lex Luthor himself bald?” asked one reporter. “And couldn’t you just wear gloves to cover your hands?”
“Bah!” Stan had responded, waving aside the question. “Superman shall pay for his insolence. I shall destroy him and all of Metropolis with the awesome power of my Scorched Hand!!!!”
T o find out whether or not Stan Cornell (a.k.a. Scorched Hand), has the power to back up his threats, we contacted Dr. John Quackenbush, professor emeritus at S.T.A.R. Labs.
“Scorched Hand does not have any superpowers, at least not in the traditional sense,” stated Quackenbush. “He has gained the ‘power’ to gross people out by showing them his disfigured hand. Scorched Hand is able to use this ability to repulse people.” Quackenbush continued, “Although he was reportedly able to do this even before the accident.”
Dr. Quackenbush seemed daunted by this power, but admitted that if Stan were to use his Scorched Hand on Superman, the Last Son of Krypton would only feel slightly nauseous. “Although Superman would probably be too polite to say anything,” Quackenbush concluded.