Well, we all know how the great Y2K scare of 1999 affected many people. As soon as midnight rang in, many across the world were in brown-trouser mode thinking their underwear would explode leaving in its wake, flesh and pubic hair everywhere! Well guess what, nothing happened. I knew it wouldn’t. Just a news story the media had latched onto like the brain-dead zombies they are, hoping they are reporting a story that will bring utter disaster to keep them busy for weeks. Well, I did find out something very important January 1st 2000. I AM NOT FUCKING Y2K COMPLIANT!!!
This has been, to this date, the most horrible year of my life by far, encompassing more dread and horror then most face in 15 years of their lives combined. It immediately began New Years Day with a strain of the flu that had me spewing from orifices I didn’t think one could spew from! Even my eyes were discharging! Languishing for a week and a half, I had no idea what was to follow. Within the space of a month, three family members died. I mean, I saw the specter of death parked in front of my house in an ambulance, complete with body bags to spare and he didn’t look bored. Business was booming!
I was having trouble finding employment and was down contemplating becoming a man-whore when one Saturday morning I took a shower and was looking in the mirror at a lump on the right side of my chin. Within 12 hours I thought some evil fetus was growing on my face! It had swollen up to mammoth proportions and my lip was so swollen I was slurring words. Off to the doctors with me, what could it be: a FUCKING ALIEN SYMBIOT? No, it was a cyst. A CYST! Where the hell did it come from? Well, I needed an emergency referral for surgery. ALL RIGHT, immediate help, I thought. Well 3 Â½ weeks later with my emergency referral in hand, looking like Joseph Merrick, I see the surgeon. I need it removed; definitely one of the most horrific experiences ever. I am strapped at the wrist and ankles to a table with a heavy piece of material over my face, not able to breath. I am told that the anesthetic will hurt a little. YEAH RIGHT! He proceeds to insert the syringe into the cyst and passes it clear through my cheek into my inner mouth and starts pumping liquid into it. I am choking on it trying to flail and tell him I am choking on fluid when in reality I am just doing my impersonation of Frankenstein’s monster. I am saying, “I AM FUCKING DROWNING!” but it is just coming out as, “EEERRRRRRRRRRRKKKK!” Well, I finally spew it all up and we proceed. Nothing like the smell of your own flesh burning early in the morning! Well, I leave; on the way out I see my surgeon had graduated from the Dr. Josef Mengele School of Medicine. Also, no painkillers are prescribed and the wound bled for a week. I ended up covering the scar with bits of bacon and eggs I ate for breakfast!
Now, I can go on and on: auto wreck, insurance hassles, twisted spine, health insurance problems, hot dog lodged in my throat for 5 hours (YES YOU READ RIGHT), money problems, food poisoning, the flu three times, family will problems, depression, self-imposed isolation, truck getting new engine and back for 1 day then it blows a rear seal, also a disc in my back compressing with possible surgery ahead.
I could compile a list here that you would not believe. It is a deluge! It will not stop. I can only hope it does after the end of this year. If anyone out there has a solution or a fix; I don’t care if it is taking a device in the shape of a dodecahedron the size of a softball that has to be shoved up my ass! I will gladly bend over and hold my ankles screaming, “DO IT, DO IT, I AM RIGHT HERE!” So please, I would appreciate any help or comments that can be given. Just press that little StrangeCrap.com crew link in the upper right hand corner of the page and let me know if you can match the hell I have been in. If you can, I will personally bow to you and feel better knowing I am not the only one Satan is urinating on!