Apr 172001
 

Pippy the Mustard Seed Day WalrusWell, by now you’ve heard the news of the Easter Bunny’s demise. Oh yes, it is a great time of sadness for the world, losing such a beloved icon. It seems like only yesterday that he and I were romping and galumphing about the fjords. Ah yes, those were good times… good times.

I’m here to say, however, that all need not be lost. I am taking some much-needed initiative and am answering the call in the most heroic fashion that I know how: I can represent Easter!

Yes, yes, I know what others have been saying: How can a walrus represent Easter? Is a saber-toothed, overweight, carp-smelling, gelatinous pile of lard really cute enough to bring smiles to the faces of the world’s children? Can Pippy hide those eggs well enough to challenge even the most veteran of egg hunters? The answer is yes, my friends. I can be all that the Easter Bunny was and more!

Even though I weigh more than 200 times the Easter Bunny’s weight, and even though my breath smells like old tuna cans, I know I can do this—all I need is the chance. Come on, good people, the duties of Mustard Seed Day really don’t involve that much skill. Basically I place mustard seeds in the shoes of all the good boys and girls while they slumber peacefully. When they awake and don their shoes they soon find themselves irritated by the small seeds and promptly remove their footwear and dispose of the annoying seeds, thus propagating mustard plants about the planet. As you can see, it’s no big task and not very rewarding, not to mention exciting.

Hiding multi-colored eggs and various chocolaty treats, however, is probably the most rewarding career I can fathom; that is, aside from being a repo-man. Just imagine all those wonderful glowing faces as they tear open their Easter baskets to reveal chocolate walruses and salmon eggs aplenty. Oh the joy!

So please, my good people, write The World Institute of Holiday Celebrities and Enigmas ([email protected]) and express to them your wishes to have me, Pippy the Mustard Seed Day Walrus, representing all of your future Easters. I thank you and your children thank you. God bless.

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