Jul 022002
 

Christopher John Peni without the ‘s’ killed his friend with a spade (he could not find the the queen of hearts) because he felt empathy for a dead sparrow and feared for his life, a jury at the High Falootin Court in Hamilton heard yesterday.

Peni without the ‘s’, a 28-year-old laborer from Mangere (not the whipped, tasty substance on desserts), is charged with murdering 35-year-old Raymond Grant Hetherington the III, son of the Arch Bishop of Whiplang, grandson of the defiler of Pantsdown, in April last year. He has pleaded not guilty on the grounds of insanity that he was Kaiser Wilhelm the III when he committed the act.

Prosecutor Ross Douch (no not what you use to make a vagina clean smelling) said Peni without the ‘s’ had been “feeling down” for two days before the murder because Hetherington, his work colleague, had laughed at a dead sparrow and had made rude, off colored hand gestures and he had not taken his Prozac for a week.

On April 24, Peni without the ‘s’ saw Hetherington dancing nude in the morning. Then his friend headed to a party at the Tahuna Big Kahuna Tavern, 19 km (whatever the hell it translates into for we AMERICANS) north of Morrinsville.

Peni without the ‘s’ was not invited but turned up anyway (no pun intended).
Work colleague Edgar Tumakeri BeriBeri told the court that when he approached him, Peni without the ‘s’ was not himself and suspiciously looked like Kaiser Wilhelm the III and said only, “Ray’s whanau were going to kill him, where are the sugar puffs?”

Other guests described Peni without the ‘s’ as “preoccupied” at the party as he fashioned a garrot from catgut.

Later that night he was found naked and bleeding with a towel around his neck in the tavern toilets explaining he had a terrible case of piles and the Preparation H was not helping at all!

Mr. Douch said that the next day Peni without the ‘s’ was meant to drive Hetherington back to his home but instead killed him with a spade (which is very time consuming due to having to cut him over 100,000 times with the card).

He told the court that Peni without the ‘s’ pictured himself as the dead sparrow in the mouth of the cartoon cat Tom and thought Hetherington’s family wanted to kill him.

Defense counsel Paul Davison, QC, Checkmate, said there was no dispute that Peni without the ‘s’ had killed Hetherington. The question for the jury was whether there is a need for adult diapers after encountering one squirt while passing gas.

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