Mar 292010

Psycho KillerI just love to read trivia books. In particular those books that edify me on the topics or events that we are incorrectly taught to accept as fact which includes everything with the exception of Mel Gibson really being an incorrigible bastard when he is picked up for drunk driving. Even when he disclosed he was wearing the pantyhose he had stolen from the set of “What Women Really Want”, he was correctly beaten senseless. That movie in itself was incorrect because we all know women really want a huge wardrobe, 196 pairs of shoes and 24 bras and someone to sit around and stare at them and sigh and worship them. When I arrived home I realized I did not know why I had purchased the book. I was distracted by the Playboy 2010 Nuns of the Year calendar that was sitting next to it. I cannot even comment on Miss July Nun who had nothing on but her rosaries and pubic region shaved to represent a cross. Why the Hell did I buy this book? Oh yeah because I really had no place to hang the calendar. Well that is not true since I had just taken down the 2009 Penthouse Women of The Arctic.

I thought to myself as I cracked the book “What tidbits will I be exposed to that I can extract from my memory and utilize at precisely the proper moment to belittle whoever the person was that had started the conversation”. My last attempt at this had failed miserably when I mentioned the wing span of the great albatross in a conversation pertaining to Madonna. So I was excited to crack the book. I felt disappointment to realize I already knew a large percentage of the topics discussed including why Burgess Meredith quacked like a duck while playing the Penguin on the old Batman series. I did find the author made quite a few mistakes in his penning of the topics he cover on each page.

For example he writes as a fallacy “The Brothers Grimm did not write Grimm’s Fairy Tales”. It is true the brothers while traversing the country, traveling from brothel to tavern, compiled tales in between the wild sex and drunken binges, took other’s tales and created a book from them. For every 45 stories about drunken orgies, spousal beating and bestiality there was one tale heinous enough to be recorded to be conveyed to subsequent generations producing many nightmares and sleepless nights. The point being that technically the brothers did not CREATE the stories; technically they did write them down and have the stories published so YES THEY DID WRITE GRIMMS FAIRY TALES, YOU IDIOT! Sorry I got carried away there, I can become so impassioned especially when I know there is a Leonardo DiCapprio movie about to be televised where he meets his demise.

He pens “Diamonds are not forever.” I vehemently disagree with that one since I know for a fact the name of the 007 movies was in fact ‘Diamonds ARE Forever!” I should know. It is the one movie that Jill St. John is seen in at least 12 different bikinis. They never do explain why she is wearing one to a formal dinner gathering in the movie or why she is wearing butt floss to a meeting with the British Secret Service and the Queen. The Queen does query her as to where she purchased said butt floss. I made it a point to miss the sequel “An Aged Queen Wearing Butt Floss Will Make You Vomit!”

He writes “Using Coca-Cola as a douche immediately after sexual intercourse will not prevent pregnancy”. I think what he is trying to state is that it is dependent on which one of the 238 different varieties of Coke you use and the sperm count of the sperm-chucker you are having sex with. I am sure if you used the variation of Coke that has lime in it, it will not stop pregnancy but your vagina would smell citrically fresh! Maybe using tic-tacs might help. I am positive that calves liver would prevent pregnancy. Just make sure it is 2 days old, unrefrigerated when inserted and I can guarantee no man will come near you thus preventing pregnancy. I believe Pepsi actually had a campaign created to take advantage of Coke’s failure. “Pepsi, the douche used by a responsible generation!” Let’s face it if you need to immediately douche with Coke after sex you should have just brought a Hoover vacuum cleaner with you.

“Quaker Oats are not made by Quakers” but by a small group of transvestite monks who live in Marin County, CA. and extol the virtues of Avon perfumes.

“Frank Zappa’s father was not Mr. Green Jeans” is completely and utterly false. Frank’s wife was quoted in the Sun as saying that there was nothing sexier then seeing Frank in tight, form fitting green jeans. She found herself saying countless times “Come over here and give me some lovin’ Mr. Green Jeans” and then would tear them off and become completely sexually uninterested. This writer does not do his research.

“The pope has not always been infallible” BWA HA HA HA HA. I am sorry I… have to try and … get off the floor. That is the funniest damn thing I have ever read. If ANYONE needs to be told this is true then I am sorry that you are a special person and have to ride the little yellow bus.

“Bulls do not charge at the color red.” That is another false statement. I am sure if you were to taunt a bull that could pummel you into the ground with a red cape, he will charge and pummel you and then take a huge dump on whatever part of your body is still exposed after running over you 62 times. It is correct that it makes no difference what color an object is, if the bull is irritated enough, for instance he found you cheating in poker game and you beat him with a red ace that is sitting face up on the table. He will charge you then he will pummel you.

“Mrs. O’Leary’s cow did not kick over a lantern and start the great Chicago fire of 1871” while this is true to a certain extent it is only so since fire officials could not find enough evidence to pin the rap on the cow. She was a know arsonist and had been setting small fires and been in and out of juvenile hall since she was a calf. It is on record that 2 horses standing in a nearby stall in the barn had heard her say upon a breakup with a local bull “Oh I will get him back. I will make him pay. I WILL MAKE THEM ALL PAY! BURN IT DOWN, BURN IT ALL DOWN!!!!” Well that sounds like proof enough to me. She was sentenced to hamburger by the owner.

“The French and Indian War was not fought between the French and the Indians.” Here is another one of those technically incorrect statements. Both the British and the French employed Indians to fight and work for them in certain capacities, so yes, the French DID fight Indians as well as to have them run Casinos so that they would not be bored during downtime. Not only that but they created 2 baseball teams to entertain the troops as well as playing baseball. Chief Wahoo of the Cleveland Indians being one of the great Indian leaders of his time was best known for his huge, shiny smile and mouthful of teeth!

At the back of this book I am given an address to write and convey to the publisher what I think of this book. There are many more inaccurate statements but I will save them for another time. I will not even mention that India ink does not come from India. Yeah right, in a country with a billion people, not one business makes India ink. It would be a novelty.

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