May 232002


Hmmm, telemarketers—it seems they just won’t leave you alone these day. But you shouldn’t get too stressed over the fact that they always seem to call during dinner, when you’re watching your favorite program, taking a nap or when you’re just about to pick up the phone to call 9-1-1 because your aging grandmother has just fallen down and broken yet another hip. After all, they make your life a living hell, so why not make theirs one? Here’s what I propose: you could simply just make up something silly on the spot like our friend Alan does (check out his calls in our LooseCrap section) or you can take some or all of the following snippets and just rattle them off as the telemarketers are rattling off their spiel. Don’t feel bad about giving these people a hard time. I’m a firm believer in the law of physics that states: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Thus for every line of bullshit a telemarketer spews, you have the right to spew one of your own. If you get to the end of this list, however, and the telemarketer is still on the phone, let me know. He must really want to sell something good.

The Telemarketer Response List (TTRL)

  • My cock is sweet with the smell of feta cheese (especially funny if you’re a woman)
  • Penguins make good doorstops
  • My corn does not fit in the microwave
  • The frog is not by the ova
  • The door is bland and without zest
  • Tomatoes are not for spelunking
  • If you had perfect cat by my wife then stoop my head
  • Ouch! Mushrooms hear my loins
  • Fresh greens belittle my cock
  • Kevin, please pass the smoked clam bisque
  • My feet eat their weight in hemp
  • I really love cabbage
  • Whole corn not to be confused with corn hole
  • My goodness, laughing to my pancreases is good
  • Yes, please pass the fingering pajamas
  • I bit yon clever ringworm
  • Caterpillars make good turn signals
  • My good Indian friend is a good whale vomit
  • My, what is your lump all about?
  • I cross dress in winter to avoid the melting taxes
  • Finger foods offer rich organisms
  • My bra is painted behind the barn
  • Waiter my ice cream tastes like fish. Can I have another?
  • The color is much like purple in the pee pee
  • You seem to acknowledge the fact that you like antlers. Care for some more pie?
  • Shit! My cock is having a bad hour of this!
  • Please, can you poof somewhere else?
  • My kitten cannot heave the bad liver damage
  • Your butt is like the smell of salty croutons
  • The toe receipt is not the proper texture
  • The mouse has breached the rectum!
  • This carpet smells of ass scrapings
  • Freeze! My VCR is set for stun!
  • My gypsum is slightly irritated. Do you have the proper ointment?
  • Do not use this rubbing compound. Enlarged eardrums may ensue.
  • My Lincoln Log has become obstructed
  • Kevin, please remove your shoes before the ketchup does!
  • I participated in the gang bang but forgot my Velcro
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 Posted by at 10:50 pm

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