SAN FRANCISCO–In a final feat of strength and showmanship, the corpse of late fitness guru and Power Juicer sponsor Jack LaLanne is scheduled to tow his casket to Alcatraz and back, all while being shackled and blindfolded. The gala event is scheduled for Friday–rain or shine–as it really doesn’t matter too much at this point, anyway. The late celebrity’s wife Elaine LaLanne (can that be right?) is scheduled to MC the event, but despite rumors, will not be riding in the coffin.
Anonymous sources close to the family told StrangeCrap reporters that, “This is the way Jack always wanted to go. He was forever pushing the boundaries of his strength and vitality. He even asked for his ashes to be scattered in space where he hoped they would make the journey to the moon and back all the while towing the ashes of James Doohan. I’m not sure of the chances of that happening, though.”