May 102012

Psycho KillerHave you ever known an EXTREMELY lazy person in your life? I mean REALLY lazy. You will encounter them in different facets of your life. We assume a lazy person does not wish to expend any energy that is why they are lazy but there are circumstances in which that statement is untrue. The first lazy person I will discuss also exhibits being a bit of an ass as well but is none the less lazy scum sucking parasite (Reminds me of another person I live with). Was that me who said that?

I work as a contractor for the government. Yes you can all cry and weep and moan for me. Hell I do that each and EVERYDAY! I try and deal with the insanity in various ways. Once in a while I dress up in a suit and pass myself off as Senator. No one knows the difference anyway and I autograph everything as Harry Potter. So many are enthused I decided to take up politics. Other times I just go to a warehouse and carry a ladder back and forth all day. Everyone thinks I am quite an industrious fellow. I do it for the cardio, keeps me in shape. I actually believe there is a person employed that does just that and of course he makes 150K a year. Oh, onto laziness. There is lots of it around here as well as apathy. Unfortunately I DO care about the lazy asses. One person here is in charge of assigning static IPs to printers that are installed. He actually created a form with which you give the pertinent info and must then send it to him in three different ways, two ticketing systems and by encrypted e-mail. You would think that a person that created a form for you to compile necessary information would know what it is for? Well not this guy. As a matter of fact he TRIES to confuse you at EVERY attempt to get him to add a printer to the network. The expenditure of energy in the pursuit to thwart you from getting him to do his job is incredible. His hair is like something created from a metal sculpture. Never a hair out of place and we can actually use his head as a battering ram without damage to his brain. People receive cuts just from touching his hair. With his hair he is NOT lazy unless he just shellacs it. I have to write tomes to this guy and speak with him on endless phone calls to explain to him, his form. You would think he is stupid? No, he just is a lazy bastard and does not want to do his job. I think I actually saw one of the few Standard Operating Procedures at work and it was of course “How to be a Lazy Bastard When Employed by Your Government”. If it is not laziness then he must also use shellac on his public hairs.

The next in line for laziest person I know and this is not the “utilize excessive energy to NOT work” kind, it is the plain old “I just will just do absolutely nothing and sit on my fat ass all the time except when I go out to do something with my girlfriend” type. It is of the species Homos Squalus not to be confused with a cephalopod but is in fact a six foot tall, 220 pound blood sucking leech! I do not know which of these two disturbs me more. This is the person that does absolutely nothing around the house except to sit around the house. Work entails getting up from watching TV and snoozing to get something to eat. When they wash 4 dishes in the 3 year period you have cohabitated with them, you almost actually suffer a myocardial infarction from shock. I experienced one of the strangest of events last Saturday. Essentially one half of her room has clothes piles taller than me. It has been so for 2 years. Saturday she looked to actually be attacking the Mount Everest of clothes while wearing climbing gear but without the proper ropes. I left to go to dinner and when I returned at 10 PM she appeared to be folding more clothes and still working on the Olympus Mons of clothes. It can actually be seen from an orbiting space station with the naked eye. Next morning I walk into the room to get an item from her closet and I fully expect to see a clean room. I almost fall over. Instead of just thrown on the floor in piles, the mountain is now a mountain of FOLDED clothes on the floor just as tall, taking up the same space. I guess she really did not think this through or hired some migrant workers that misunderstood what she wanted from Home Depot. She makes turtles and tortoises look absolutely blinding in speed and ambition! This a person that for 3 years has had a crafts room with almost anything imaginable to create anything in it but has never worked on one craft. Please read that again. The superlatives of laziness are endless. Let me present the next lazy scum.

When I first moved to California I obtain a roommate that just loved to party each and every night. The first 3 months I worked, went to school and cleaned each and every freaking day. I would come home from school and each night the apartment looked as though it was New Orleans on a bad hurricane day. I asked countless times if he would clean up his mess. After a period of time since he would not comply, I conceived of a plan. I will not clean anymore and see how long he would deal with the squalor. Unlike lazy person two who WOULD happily live in squalor and add to it, this had a profound effect upon my roommate. He actually started doing dishes! Now I was happy. I actually had some help in cleaning the place. Did I mention I also worked with my roommate? Well next thing I hear is gossip that Lee is a pig and never cleans up after himself. Well that evening he had to call 911 to remove his adhered ass to the toilet seat. I love crazy glue! The only thing better is poison ivy or oak oil. We’re talking chemical warfare then. This is a guy that I discovered was spending everything he had on cocaine. He sold an antique couch he owned for 850 bucks then proceeded to suck the coke he bought up his nose. The realization set in when he realized “I just snorted my couch!” I have also found that many times money stupidity and non- responsibility correlate with the Lazy Ass person. Everyone I am speaking about has horrible debt problems. Borrowing and never paying back, not paying bills but whatever money they have goes to a good time.

This is an interesting Lazy Ass. Imagine if you will (In my best Rod Serling) that a person cleaned their living environment once. Then never cleaned again but lived in the environment not moving anything or touching anything? Of course things look clean but dust and dirt begin to accumulate as well as cobwebs. After a year or so the place looks like the standard old abandoned house used in a horror movie. Yes, I know someone like this. She was an incredible procrastinator as well as all the others. Instead of getting a cat box and letting her cat go in that, she let the cat use the bath tub as a litter box. All these people also share something in common. They all have no interests, except to watch TV, sleep and work. They seem to buy items to DO something with them but nothing ever gets done.

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