Feb 232012

Psycho KillerThe life of a super hero! That’s for me. I was a comic book fan as a child so the heroes I knew then have undergone drastic changes over this period of time. Movies even solidify those changes to a point I do not recognize that which I grew up with and what is presented now. I ALWAYS questioned comics as a kid because things never made sense.

Let us start with lame costumes that do NOT cover up your secret identity. I will NOT mention Superman. Everyone that works with Clark all suffer incredible vision impairments or they dislike and loath him to such a degree, they have NEVER in their lives looked at him. Another lame costume is the mask that just covers the eyes. Again, no one can tell Hal Jordan is the Green Lantern with the exception of everyone that knows him. Better hope you never piss off that girlfriend or you are screwed. The more disturbing costumes have to do with young men forced to dress in see through tights and then they must hang out with their grown male super hero friend. Shame on you Batman and Captain America! Robin and Bucky will never be the same. I can see a state children’s worker asking them while taking notes “Did he touch you in a private place?” “Hell yes, LOOK at how I am dressed you IDIOT!” One thing I have noticed is that every male super hero that wears tights has no package to show. They are all over muscular men I guess with no genitals. Is Superman REALLY a Superman? They must feel horribly inadequate. Every female super heroine must shave EVERYDAY or be prepared to see themselves on the cover of every tabloid published with pubic hair jutting out everywhere around their panties and being denounced by every religious group not to mention fashion communities.

That is a major issue that the Dark Knight version of Batman has. He falls in love way too often and then confesses who he is to every woman he is smitten with. No woman has ever become incensed with him and screwed him over? Give me a break! A billionaire and no one has ever taken him for a ride? What a schmuck! You imagine the divorce proceedings if a super hero had to go through one? Superman would have to give up Krypto the wonder dog and lose half the Fortress of Solitude. The big guy has nowhere to go now for privacy. I am sure she would want half his costume. He gets to keep the cape so at least his bare ass is hidden from public. What the Hell would Lois do with her half of the prisoners in the Phantom Zone or ½ the miniaturized people of Krypton that are kept in a bottle? Get rid of them on Ebay I bet you! There would be super villains running amok because she just had to have half of what he has. On the other hand Superman could fry her down with his heat vision or take her into space and leave her and who is going to tell Supes he is under arrest? No one would is the answer to that one. How would Spiderman pay alimony? He doesn’t make shit and never has his entire life. I am sure he would lose his only money making possession, his camera, which is the only way he can make any kind of living. Damn that Mary Jane and her ungodly voluptuous body!

One Super Hero I could NEVER understand was the Hulk. As Bruce banner he is the proverbial 98 pound weakling. Yet when his adrenalin begins to rush and anger spews forth, he turns anywhere from 8 to 16 foot tall and is green or gray then green again. Bruce ALWAYS wears purple pants. Why purple? What color rhymes with URPLE? Horribly out of style for the decades he has been wearing them. As he transforms into the HUGE and MUSCULAR HULK, his pants just rip from the knees down and they fit great. Come on, even if they were spandex the Hulk would be butt naked! Also he is supposed to be huge and he has no package that is discernable. Once in a while you will also see him removing the remnants of his shirt from his back. I think that would be completely gone as well. Bruce is like Batman, He has to buy pants and shirts by the thousands and keep them stashed away so he always has purple pants to wear. Hey if the Thing can have clothes that fit him so can the Hulk but he is always so angry I am sure if he was butt naked and jumping through a raspberry patch, he would be even MORE angry!!!!!

While we are the topic of HUGE guys, I was watching one of the many X-men series. I bypassed the one, Jim Henson’s X-men Babies and went right to Wolverine and the X-men (X-WHO?). There was a scene in an episode that made me wonder. Two hot heroines are sitting at the table talking and there is a mutant named the Blob laying on the couch in his boxer shorts. One, this did not seem to bother the women in the slightest when it would cause moi great distress. Now the Blob is the personification of what his name is. He is a huge, fat, immovable object. We are talking tons of weight. Number one, where does the Blob get boxer shorts that are waist size 293? Second, where does he purchase a couch strong enough to have him lie across it and not turn it into a pile of splinters? I must confess his costume make sense, it looks like he wear a spandex outfit to contain his bulk but the boxers would chaff like Hell as he tried to walk with thighs rubbing. It is very problematic to be named the Blob and be able to easily urinate. It is kind of hard finding it if you know what I mean. As believable as every beer commercial you see and NO man has a beer gut, RIGHT, and all women on their period are happy and carefree with their feminine products. Does Television root anything in reality?

This brings us to the heroes that at God status. If I were a God and could transmute energy to create anything I wanted do you think I would care if I were naked or not. I probably would not have any naughty bits anyway being so far advanced I never need sex with my blow up doll named “Naughty Inga”. They can stand 30 stories tall and still wear the most outlandish outfits. Isn’t that what being a God is about? Being fresh and free and playing about? I am sure someone will reply ‘The ONE and TRUE God ALWAYS wears clothes!” I will look at that picture of Thor again. I will tuck that away. “If I ever become a God first thing I must do is create clothes or blur out my body from the nipples down as not to offend people. Fuck P.C.

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