Mar 012001
O'Shaugnessy after being beaten severely for hours.

O'Shaugnessy after being beaten severely for hours.

BAD AXE, MI—A tragic turn of events occurred this weekend at the home of local Huron County waitress, Sarah “Sissy” O’Shaugnessy. After pulling a double shift at the local “Flippers” bar and grill Friday night, O’Shaugnessy returned home to find live-in boyfriend, Bubba Gipper, sitting on the couch watching channel 13’s 3rd annual Hee Haw marathon. From the empty cans littering the floor around the couch, it was apparent that Gipper had been drinking heavily since that afternoon.

“In retrospect, I should have known better,” said a repentant O’Shaugnessy. “I should have known that it wouldn’t take much to set him off, the way he’d been drinking all day. I should have kept my damn mouth shut, but I just couldn’t help myself. It was all my fault!” O’Shaugnessy sobbed, taking a deep breath. “I challenged him to a game of Battleship.”

“He beat me in under ten minutes!” O’Shaugnessy exclaimed incredulously. “It’s like he just knew where all of my ships were. He only missed once. When he said A-10 and sunk my cruiser, I couldn’t believe it was over,” she recalled mournfully.

“And it’s not like he could stop with just one victory. After we finished the first game, he beat me four more times, each in under fifteen minutes. After we finished with Battleship, he beat me at a dozen hands of Uno. Then he beat me in a game of Star Wars Monopoly. Game after game, I just couldn’t win. It went on for hours!” O’Shaugnessy cried.

Only a handful of games that O'Shaugnessy failed to win.

Only a handful of games that O'Shaugnessy failed to win.

“I was on fire that night,” a proud Gipper admitted, flicking half a pork rind off of the sleeve of his Limited Edition Mothra T-shirt. “Maybe we should have stopped after that 13th game of cribbage, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I must have drunk sixty cans of Jolt Cola earlier that day, so I was totally wired. Besides, I was in a middle of a streak, and you don’t cut that short. It’s bad luck to just stop. Who knows if I would ever have another streak like this again?” Gipper asked plaintively.

“Game after game, defeat after defeat, we kept playing all night, and into the next day,” O’Shaugnessy said woefully. “Finally, at around 10 o’clock Saturday morning, I told him that we had to stop because I had to be at work in two hours. So he tells me to call in sick and break out our copy of Mouse Trap!” she concluded, weeping uncontrollably.

O’Shaugnessy and Gipper’s game playing marathon continued until late Saturday night, without O’Shaugnessy claiming a single victory.

“At around 10 o’clock, I decided that I had had enough. Bubba had beaten me consistently for almost 24 hours straight. And his ‘Another win for the Gipper!’ line was wearing quite thin. I challenged him to a coin toss, best two out of three. When I managed to guess the first two coin flips, I almost fainted with relief,” O’Shaugnessy sighed.

“Best three out of five?” Gipper asked.

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