ANGELINOS, CAâ€”In the absence of local hero Captain Unicorn, local losers rose from their sad little lives to attempt to take up the crime-fighting slack this week.
Whether it was the grotesque Captain Speedo and his overly tight lycra attempting to nab a persistent jaywalker, or The Ewok furiously taking notes as a young man was beaten to death by a street mob, losers of all types managed to completely fail at all attempts to replace the heroic actions of Captain Unicorn.
Some of the “heroes” were more successful than others, however. The crooked-toothed Kung Pow! was able to successfully trip a litterer as fellow crime-fighter Sloptimus crushed the criminal under his enormous weight and the semi-sharp edges to his costume. Police praised the vigilante action as “disturbing and sad”.
Sadly, most of the losers were completely useless at their crime-fighting attempts. The fuzzyheaded Q-Tip was used by a seat-belt violator to wax the hood of his car. Supa Slam was reduced to a weeping mess when, while bent over pulling his boots up, a young toddler messed up his beautiful, beautiful hair.
Despite a quality song with the ringing truth of a moral argument, several teenagers that were toilet-papering a house did not “stop [their] paperin’ ways” as requested by the Crooner.
The Rabbi, the most orthodox loser of the bunch, delayed a critical investigation into a shoplifting incident by stammering in a strong Yiddish accent to the officers responding to the store detective’s call.
An unrelated low-speed chase was futile over the weekend when would-be hero X-Con was detained by the police due to his similarity to the suspect, who had fled from police after it was determined he was not insured. X-Con spouted incomprehensible prison lingo as he was being tackled, trying to explain that he had been chasing the same criminals.
Perhaps the most dramatic incident was when Unibrow and his sidekick The Crutch came upon Scorched Hand’s right hand man, Toast Boy. The young villain was grabbing dozens of loaves of bread from a small Korean convenience store when Unibrow attempted to buy a Slurpee. With The Crutch waiting in the car however, Unibrow was unable to catch up to Toast Boy as he got into his tiny little toddler-car to take his bread back to their hideout for toasting.
It is truly a sad day in this fair city as this bunch of utter losers tries to take the place of this city’s true hero, Captain Unicorn. Where, oh where, can he be?
Captain Speedoâ€”The very name conjures images of ripped abs, tight buttocks, and a package that can’t be beat. Sadly, since joining a bowling team (Won the city Bowl-A-Rama tournament back in ’97 don’tcha know?), he has let himself go. With his pride in America showing him the way, and the clenching of his testicles as they are crushed to his pelvis, Captain Speedo fights the forces of good taste everywhere he goes.
Unibrow & The Crutchâ€”All eye-blinding attacks are worthless before Unibrow. His long continuous eyebrow allows all such attacks to simply run down the side of his face. Sadly, he lost the lower part of his right arm and his whole right leg, so he relies on the teeth-gnashing power of his partner in crime fighting, The Crutch. The Crutch serves no purpose whatsoever, except to prevent Unibrow from falling over in his struggles against world domination.
The Rabbiâ€”The Rabbi’s deepest secret is also his deepest shame, and his deepest weakness. While attempting to look like a middle-aged rabbi, he is rather obviously a teenage boy with a spectacularly bad fake beard, and bizarre magnifying glasses. He can be defeated with the simple application of breasts, which will cause him to become erect and unable to walk comfortably in his tight pants. One thing his enemies must look out for, however, is the dreaded “Bris Maneuver”.
The Croonerâ€”After his childhood career as Binky, the grape-crushing midget penguin, ended due to the onset of puberty, the Crooner lost his beak, and found a two-dollar guitar at a garage sale. His enemies are hypnotized into unconsciousness by his jazz and scat melodies. Although sometimes out of breath from rushing to the scene of the crime on his Schwinn, The Crooner has managed to lull several neighborhood babies to sleep.
Supa Slamâ€”While Supa Slam’s enemies scratch their heads in puzzlement at the most confused man ever to step out of a phone booth in mis-colored tights, he grins maniacally and leaps into action, carefully moussing and brushing his luxurious locks.
Sloptimusâ€”A harsh break from reality is just what this hero needs to face the wrongdoers that fill the land. A steady diet of LSD and endless reruns of Transformers combined with approximately one hundred and seventy pounds of bacon fat have turned this neighborhood loser into the paunchiest superhero this side of Cybertron.
Q-Tipâ€”Here we see the valiant Q-Tip, protecting crowds at a local little league game from the vicariously-rage-maddened parents. His soft fluffy hair tenderly absorbs even the nastiest of evil ear wax. Q-Tip has been known, however, to caution that his head should NOT be actually placed inside the ear canal. Q-Tip is motivated by a deep-seated need to find his false teeth, stolen from him by his father’s murderer and long-term nemesis, Tony Bennett.
Kung Pow!â€”After years of dental neglect, too much reading in the dark, and several bad haircuts, the final straw broke when young Edgar Winbottom’s left hand became permanently cramped while releasing a bowling ball. With no other options available to him, he has become Kung Pow!, the least threatening of all of the cheap martial artist superheroes. Most of his enemies appear to be more worried about the brown tendrils leaking from between his teeth than his admittedly mediocre martial arts skills.
Ewokâ€”Is there any name more feared among the criminal underground than that of… Ewok? The Ewok’s magnificent plumage, inherently threatening in its African-American pride, combines with the glare of the tropical-print shirt that we have all grown to know and love to cripple the evil hordes of evil robots with Mr. Blackman’s fashion detectors.
X-Conâ€”From the freakish eye, to the torn underpants upon his head, X-Con uses the intimidation techniques developed from years of anal assault in prison to weaken his foes, leaving them vulnerable to the shiv hidden up his sleeve. X-Con may finally have defeated his long-time nemesis, Parole Officer Man, and now fights against anal assault everywhere he goes.