Dec 202011

Psycho KillerLucky is the word and what does it mean to people? I would say you could define luck as a Force (not unlike the Star Wars version) that seems to operate for good or ill in a person’s life, in shaping circumstance, events or opportunities or in finding a deli that makes a GREAT corn beef sandwich, you know with the fat trimmed off and stone ground mustard and tomatoes! HMMM, Sorry I digress. You can call it midi-chlorian light. Everyone believes in luck and it is heard all the time that one suffers from bad or good luck. Sometimes you need to disseminate between luck and natural occurrences and consequential events. I read an article when a man claimed he was “Unlucky” to have been kicked by a horse. I think that the fact he was standing on a bucket having intercourse with said horse was the contributing factor. How this is attributed to unluckiness I do not know. Perhaps his pants fell down to his ankles at the wrong moment?

People will attribute luck to all kinds of items. The rabbit foots is the most obtuse of these items to me. All I think of are the poor little things limping around on small wooden peg legs believing they are now pirates. This is topic no ONE talks about, lucky rabbit foot ranches. There was an account I read of a woman sky diving and her chute failing to open. She impacted with the ground but somehow survived. It was surmised she survived due to fact the field into which she fell had just been overturned and disked. Afterwards she claimed it was because of a lucky coin she carried. I think I would have preferred a lucky parachute since it would have opened and the lucky coin would have saved me all my bones being pulverized and shortening my height by 6 inches not to mention losing bowel control. A true story that deals with zealously of a belief has to do with a pro baseball player named Wade Boggs. Boggs actually believed it was his eating chicken every day that gave him the ability to be an over .300 lifetime hitter. He so wholeheartedly believed this he would eat chicken every day. His wife cooked it gazillion trillion different ways. It is said he clucked as he warmed up at the plate, kicking at the dirt looking for worms. This was more embarrassing then the reach to the cup to adjust your testicles on national TV which now is completely acceptable. There is of course the lucky horse shoe my uncle would carry with him and it truly was lucky for him. The only persons who felt its unluckiness was every one he clocked in the head with it! BASTARD, I never did like him and never turned my back to him. He also threw lawn Jarts at kids on his lawn and smelled of sweet pickles.

Some will attribute luck to a specific gender. You will hear men and lesbians claim Lady Luck kissed them on the cheek as well as other anatomical features. For the majority of men, this would be bad luck even though I believe it is supposed to indicate good luck. When it comes to the legal system of the present stacked against men at every turn when dealing with the opposite gender, we do not want Lady Luck within 1000 miles of us or we will lose everything we have so I would believe luck should just be a set of innocuous lips (Like the Rolling Stones logo) hopefully bore from an animal that can do us no harm, perhaps a 20 year old de-clawed cat with no teeth and lips. It is much less painful that way. At least we continue to live onward and keep our 2 pairs of underwear that have holes in them.

Then there is the luck of the Irish, which if anything meant bad luck, that would! But for some reason it means “Good” luck. What sort of luck is it that brings about 1,000 years of invasion, colonization, exploitation, starvation and mass emigration and 5 Leprechaun movies (Leprechaun in the Hood just blew)? A number of the most famous and successful miners were of Irish and Irish American birth. For example, James “ Un” Fair, James “Adam” Flood, William “Not that special effects guy” O’Brien and John “One buttock” Mackay were collectively known as the “Silver Kings” (Which later became a kicking Motown band) after they hit the famed Comstock Lode as well as other loads of stuff. Over time this association of the Irish with mining fortunes led to the expression “Luck of the Irish.” Of course, it carried with it a certain tone of derision, as if to say, only by sheer luck, as opposed to brains, could these fools succeed. So I am still undecided about what the Hell it really means. You hear it in a positive way and a negative way and can someone PLEASE make up their minds and just say if negative “Luck of the 3 legged, blind Irish dog with no teeth and cannot pee.” This gives hope to a people whose claim to fame is the adoption of an ENGLISH saint that drove snakes out of their country because he had a fear of them and moldy bread. Why did he have to drive them out? Were they hurting anyone? He definitely was not a herpetologist. He would have cornered the market if he had driven them all toward a leather or shoe factory and made a fortune! You know it really sucks when your only claim to fame is a farcical story that leads to a day of intoxication every year! I am sure intoxication also had something to do with this story URP…

Cats have, for the most part, gotten a bad rep. The Catholic Church at one time actually denounced cats as evil and wanted them all put to death, this helped Rattis Rattis or R squared spread the bubonic plague without opposition. We look at black cats as unlucky. I was reading the other day where a stray black cat inherited 13 million dollars becoming the richest animal in the world. This surpasses Spuds McKenzie, the dog who blew all his money on bitches (literally) and Snasauges and multiple lawsuits for biting people when angry about his contract negotiations. He was also a raging alcoholic, drinking two twelve packs of Budweiser a day and blacking out and having interspecies sex with opossums. So said cat has a person that is taking care of him and she skedaddled off to parts unknown because I am positive the Church of Scientology would seek him out and try indoctrinating him. I am positive he is smarter than Tom Cruise and John Travolta since he definitely does not believe in extraterrestrials which run the organization. This would be a dream job for me since I understand Cat fluently especially when he would order me to buy a Lamborghini for myself! Hell, he can use my face and buttocks as a scratching post anytime he wants! He would also live to be 42 years old since I would be a bit cautious about purchases he would make. No cat houses, no prostitutes, have to keep him happy and healthy and alive just like L. Ron Hubbard still is! I know of another black cat that inherited almost 4 Million euros. I think I could easily prostitute myself to meet his needs. Meow!

Some people claim you can make your own luck but there is a substantial investment in the printing and etching equipment. Not to mention the government has now started taxing your luck whether it be bad or good. Much less if bad so be sure to fill out that 1055L form to state which kind of luck you have been experiencing. There is the quote that states “Fortune brings in some boats that are not steered” from Shakespeare. I guess someone is drunk at the helm? Maybe they have automatic computer systems for steering. Maybe they passed through the Bermuda Triangle and all hands were lost? Damn that Shakespeare was a deep guy or a fraud. I leave you with a quote from Dr. Armand Hammer, the inventor of Baking Soda “When I work fourteen hours a day, seven days a week, I get lucky and boy do I need that getting laid.”

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