Aug 122001

Valkenze Frogenblatz, Imperial Viceroy of MarsGreetings, Earthlings. I am Valkenze Frogenblatz, the Imperial Viceroy of Mars, third cousin to the Emperor. I have broken thousands of years of radio silence between our two respective races to deliver this message: Mars needs feminine hygiene products!

Perhaps I should explain myself. First, I need to clear up some of the misconceptions you earthlings have about Mars. You earthlings seem to be under the impression that Mars is a harsh, barren planet. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Whenever your scientists take pictures of Mars, they always manage to take snapshots of the Baskinnalevetzmmmmmng flats, which is equivalent to your Death Valley. It is always unseasonably warm in Baskinnalevetzmmmmmng, and the humidity there is quite intolerable. Is it any wonder why nobody lives there? My anterior receptors quiver, just thinking about it. Most areas of Mars are actually quite temperate, by earthling standards. Mars is also a planet of great beauty. You should see the Falls of Ecklemeckenshtaff, when the Regeckelmonkatongs are in full bloom. Breathtaking!

The other misconception that you earthlings have is worse, by far. You seem to be convinced that we Martians are dead set on invading your planet, enslaving the human race, sucking your brains out of your skulls through bendy-straws, etc., etc. This is patently false! We Martians are a peaceful race. Certain actions by our people have been misrepresented, and blown out of proportion. I blame the media for this. Your press has always had an anti-Martian slant. We have also been the scapegoat for many of your science fiction authors. And that “Mars Attacks!” movie is Martian-bashing at its ugliest. We Martians love Slim Whitman! But I digress.

We Martians have always been fascinated with earthling culture. Ever since you first started broadcasting radio waves into space, we have observed your progress with intense curiosity.

But it was not until your species developed television that we were truly amazed. When we saw the first 2-dimensional images that your people shunted out to space, we finally discovered what we had been missing: Women!

You see, we Martians did not have any women, at least, not back then. We reproduced via the cloning booths in downtown Vkrezenstatz, so we never saw the need for women. Now that we had seen, we realized how wrong we were.

So we decided to launch our highly controversial “Mars Needs Women” campaign in the year 9930948 (circa 1940s, in Earthling years). Our project was more successful than we had ever dreamed it could be! Women arrived on Mars in droves. Some came out of their own curiosity, to see if Martians really were “red all over”. Other women needed to be convinced. We had to use Orbital Mind Control Lasers (OMCLs) to “convince” the most stubborn females. (As a side note, many Earthling men have asked us how to make Orbital Mind Control Lasers. I could tell you how to create them, but it is actually amazingly simple to do, and I wouldn’t want you Earthlings to feel embarrassed.)

Over sixty of your Earth years have passed since we started the “Mars Needs Women” campaign”, and the face of our planet has changed. Wednesday night poker games have been almost completely abolished. Martian low-gravity bowling alleys have been replaced by hair salons. The bloodsport arenas have been replaced by daycare centers. And we are running dangerously low on feminine hygiene products. This is a crisis that must be addressed immediately, or we will never hear the end of it. So I beseech you Earthlings, please send us all of the tampons that you can spare, and rest easy in the knowledge that you are doing your part to maintain peace in the solar system!

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