Dec 182011

Psycho KillerWhat a wholesome and motherly image Martha Stewart projects! All women want to emulate her and all men want to strip her naked and have her as the main course on the dining room table. I prefer to use butterscotch topping with those little colored candied sprinkles. She could whisper sweet nothings into my ear about a scrumptious roast beef or how to get the chocolate stain out of my white shirt! I really am not fond of her at all. She has started to haunt me like the specter of E.T. Possibly you remember that time period when the movie became a sensation and every possible item that could harbor his horrid alien face did so. I remember when they made E.T. toilet paper. Why would I wish to wipe my posterior region with his face? Because I was SICK of seeing his visage everywhere I turned. I have a friend that loathed a professional football player so much that he taped a picture of him at the bottom of his toilet bowl just so he could take great glee in urinating upon him. I think this is a great, therapeutic, cathartic act. I also believe it is a telltale sign of the psychological transformation into a serial killer. Martha really irks me.

There is no irritation when it comes to food or her endorsement of cookware which I am certain is marked up an incredible amount just due to her name but when I encounter areas of endorsement in which I know she just throws her name on it, and then it irritates me. Recently I was in a pet store to purchase some cat litter for my kitty whose proclivity is to have the vast majority of his kitty litter outside of his box then in it. This makes for an easier cleanup when he has a bout of explosive diarrhea. What is located smack dab in front of me but an entire display of pet accoutrements of various types with Martha’s image all over them. There is the admiration for the “make a crap load of money” side of it but please if you endorse something how about at least looking at it and maybe watch it being used. There are the fanatical pet owners that believe their dog is the second coming of Christ but to see Martha’s face on a pink tutu that a canine is forced to wear and forever be so traumatized no bitch will ever look at him again is obscene. The autographed “Arnold the Pig” poster for your potbellied pig was just too much. Really, I ask does any hamster alive need the “Habit Trail of Terror” to keep their interest in life piqued? No, a running wheel and food pellets and 2 small pairs of Nikes are all that is needed. A cute little sweat band also helps. The feminine Chimpanzee napkins I will NOT even comment on. As 2 humans learned, first it is feminine napkins and then Xanax and you are on the road to ruin.

I happened to be taking a baking class at Michael’s on Sundays and was searching for items that I was need of. Inevitably I encounter a huge display of Martha Stewart Halloween paraphernalia. The Martha Stewart “Kitchen Harlot” costume complete with Martha’s own face as the mask was hot. She can chase me around the kitchen with the included spatula any day of the week. Again we encounter all the same crap that is already on display every place else and most other brands at a higher quality. The sign over the display had Martha’s face on it and proclaimed in bold type that Martha had created Halloween and her products are the only originals sold bar none. There were even 4 copies of “Frankenstein: The New Prometheus” with Marry Shelley’s name crossed out and “Martha Stewart” written over it. You would think that Martha excretes pumpkins and I am sure there are people out there that believe that. Oh yes, she also proclaims “I AM THE GREAT PUMPKIN CHARLIE BROWN!” I think she is beginning to lose tract of existing as a corporeal being like the rest of us.

People are under the misapprehension that Martha Stewart went to prison on account of lying to investigators pertaining to stock sales. This is wholly incorrect. She was sent to prison for selling Al-Qaeda margarita mixers at a greatly reduced cost. This gave a militant terrorist group a great advantage in margarita research and creation that we now find ourselves years behind them. Our scientists have a long way to go to create a palatable sand margarita. Being in prison did not slow her down one iota. She created a fashion line of various vibrant colored jumpsuits based on the jumpsuit the incarcerated wear. Women were buying them off the shelf and many being mistakenly taken into custody as escaped prisoners. She even wrote a book based upon her true experiences while in the hoscow entitled “I am Sixty Three Years of Age, In Prison but My Breasts are as Perky as They Ever Have Been!” How can one now admire that spunkiness? It went straight to the New York Times best seller list right behind Doctor Phil’s “342 Different Homemade Enemas I have Tried on Myself at Home and Love!” Seems to me the self-help book category in local book stores are in great need of an over-haul. She also penned “Proper Lesbian Etiquette to Adhere to While Incarcerated.” She is in the process of building a prison facility in her name after she had created the blue prints for it. This is taking a real negative and turning it into a positive.

I know that the next great frontier she will explore will be sex and the kitchen. She already has plans on a dual turkey baster\vibrator combination that every woman will want to try. How about that lubricant in a spray can named “Spank” which not only lubricates your genitals but also is a low calorie cooking oil that boosts no trans fats! Amazing! She is also working on a line of heat resistant latex aprons and oven mittens for the Dominatrix that loves to cook!

Martha I am sure that when you become a billionaire, which you will, an entire nations of men will bow at your feet willing to be your men whores! Just please do not make my underwear also edible with a fresh pumpkin scent!

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