Jul 272010

Psycho KillerToday I am reminded to contemplate that most sacred of events that takes place in a person’s life, possibly multiple times and could also include different species. I’m speaking of the sacred institution of marriage. It is so sacred that I have dated 5 women who have been married a total of 22 times. I have been married once so if I am to make any kind of dent in that number I had better get my ass in gear. This was brought to my attention when I went to a wedding on Sunday afternoon and realized the madness that can be contained within the boundaries of that event. At first when reminded by my girlfriend it was on a Sunday afternoon at 5:00 PM my first reaction was “What disease have I not used lately that I could claim to have to get out of it”? Unfortunately she did not believe that I had contracted Ebola within the last 48 hours due to the fact I was not dead. I had left a note in plain sight clearly stating I had Ebola and was dead but all it took was one swift kick to the groin to prove to her I was playing opossum. Damn she is good! I really need to start viewing some sports on TV so I can then have an excuse to ignore her and then be able to purchase a big head of some player and hang it on my wall to show the world all fanatical sports males have latent homosexual tendencies. So I had to get dressed up and I must say I looked quite awful. It was only 104 which seems to be a constant in Tracy. I believe this is where Hell vents quite a bit of its heat to the surface. Dress slacks, dress shirt and I am sweating like I just ran 5 miles naked. I even had to rush out to her vehicle and start it up and the AC so we could tolerate getting into it and avoiding an embarrassing case of butt cheek sweat. I thought we were cutting it close but we arrived on time.

The event was held at a winery, quite beautiful. The anti-chamber in which we waited reminded me very much of a mausoleum in its design. I thought “Perfect for this event!”. This fact was confirmed when I spied the preserved body of the original founding owner standing at the door with a chalk board in his rigid, inflexible hands announcing whose marriage was taking place. I believe the hockey mask was a little overkill. We were herded into another room by the ushers who took great glee in grabbing any woman standing at the threshold because none had known a woman’s touch in quite some time, possibly never. Strangely enough there was huge fire place a blazing. On a 104 degree day, even with AC running, I think an open freezer with a variety of tasty and refreshing cold beverages would have been more practical and enjoyed by all. The spotlights had overlays on them to try and simulate by shadow that we were supposed to be looking at trees. Unfortunately they resembled a field of thorns and brambles. All that was missing was a swamp, pandemic and mosquitoes and rodents.

The event started 30 minutes late and as the groom joined the minister in the front of the assembly it was apparent he was not a happy man. Someone quipped that he must be nervous but there is a definite difference between the scared looked and the unhappy look. I have been to WAY too many weddings and have seen everything you can do to make your wedding special which it really does not since hundreds of thousands of others do the same things all the time. The minister was standing in front of the blazing fireplace approximately 2 feet away. I knew the ceremony would be quick since I knew his ass was ready to be set ablaze. Ushers and bride’s maids came in and took their places. Each was hugged and kissed in order until my girlfriend told me to stop it since it was not acceptable behavior. Everyone waits in anticipation of the bride to enter. You want to make your wedding different? Have the Bride stand with the minister and everyone await the Groom to walk down the aisle. A gleaming white tux with a 15 foot train trailing after it and a bustle to give his posterior that little extra lift. I can feel the tear welling up in my eyes at this very second. So as ALWAYS the bride comes meandering down the aisle with her 143 year old father which makes for a rather long meander. All the women AWW and OOH as they remember fondly and emotionally their trip down the aisle the 2-4 times they did it. As she reaches the front the Groom hugs every usher and the Bride hugs and kisses every bride’s maid and the parents hug each other and the minister hugs the brides maids and cops a feel. There are benefits to being the minister. This reminded me of toasting at a table afterwards when you cannot remember whose glass of the 12 people sitting around you, you have not made contact with.

The father began the festivities with a 10-15 minute talk which started with him relaying about being a boy and being with a priest. I thought he was about to declare in public he had been molested but that was not the point of the story. It was more about tennis and how well his new son-in-law played and how much money he will win in side bets during his matches. It was noticeable from the start that something was amiss. The Bride and Groom appeared to really not want to touch each other nor look at each other. The Groom was NOT smiling EVER and the Bride kept her distance. The minister of course attempted levity to lighten the occasion by sounding like some wacky morning DJ. The joke about the Mexican, Texan and Arab was just plain wrong! You could not hear either of the parties speaking and again no eye contact. I myself was taking notes of everything to attempt to extrapolate and postulate a conclusion as to what the guests were actually viewing. My girl friend smacked me along side of the head when I said audibly while writing “Dress too small for breasts…”. Here is the real tell tale sign something is wrong. When the Bride and Groom are told to kiss and the Bride turns her head and is kissed on the cheek. “What the Hell was that?” I thought. There seems to be some tension in the air and I am just the kind of guy that will cut it! The photographer was one dower guy. He NEVER smiled and looked totally as disinterested as I was!

We were herded by some men in leather chaps into the dining area and shown snacks and an open bar. The bar magnetized every alcoholic to it instantly and they pulled out their own blenders and condiments and looked like they would be there for the long haul. The staff was SO efficient that they would take a full beverage or plate of food from you if your turned your head or were viewing the proceeding for just a second. I solved this problem by affixing a waiters hand to the table with my fork when he reached for my pieces of marinated mozzarella. It was loud so no one heard him scream and the whimper. We were introduced to a young lady who was belly dancer and proceeded to do 4-5 numbers. Of course this awoke all the comatose males in the room. Especially that damn dower photographer who was speed shooting the dancers rear end as she undulated in all directions at a maddening rate. He took more pictures of her than the entire wedding. I could hear him “AWWW YES these are for my own private collection! ORIGINAL CONTENT! Shake it BABY!!!!” I actually laughed out loud looking at the shear glee and lechery on his face. So as we are sitting at a table we did not want to be at since everyone we knew were at different tables, the toasts begin. The Best man was atrocious, boring and unprepared but that’s what happens after drinking 2 bottles of Jack Daniels. Anyone believes they are suave and humorous. At least he did not vomit on anyone. Here is another STRANGE occurrence. The Matron, who happened to be the bride’s sister, stands and gives her speech. This was NOT a downplayed speech about working things out. She was quite emphatic and loud and only mentioned to her sister 3 times to “WORK THINGS OUT!”. Hmm a little odd.

Halfway through the festivities the Groom disappears and even to find him to cut the cake was a monumental task. They obviously did not want to be in close proximity to one another. The way he held the knife was in a Norman Bates fashion and I feared for the bride’s life. Fortunately when he took a swipe at her she was out of reach and the knife came down into the cake and no one notice the failed murder attempt. I made note of this under “My green beans were WAY undercooked!”. The wedding party that usually leads the charge to the dance floor disappeared and I found them all on the patio drinking coffee and talking. What the Hell was going on here? There was no Bride and Groom dance. Everyone left early and fortunately they had hired a caricature artist to draw anyone for free so I had him do me as the God Poseidon with my Trident and Coke Zero. I will have it framed to the chagrin of my girlfriend. At least we got shot glasses as party favors. I used it the other day doing shots of OJ.

Come to find out Tuesday morning that I am elucidated as to what had occurred. It would seem that the Bride had been seeing another guy for the last month and shagging him. She told the Groom a week before the wedding. To top that off the person in question showed up at the wedding. Now does that not make everything just grand? Another wonderful wedding. The cost of this event was 40K. YIKES, yes that is right, $40,000 for an event that elicited pain and hatred and animosity. Wow this really does sound like marriage! My only regret at this event was not to see the male sperm chucker in question not get his ass tossed out by the ushers. I would have given them $20 to let me kick him a few times!

Well this is what we are to look forward to. I have a great idea. A marriage contract should be drawn up in intervals of 3 years say like a drivers license. If you wish to re-new it, you do. If not, you walk away. I think I am put off by weddings for awhile and I am at that time in life where I think funerals will begin to abound although for all intents in purposes I think those two events many times are interchangeable.

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