Apr 262010

Psycho KillerHere I am again sitting in traffic and bored to tears. I see the woman in the car next to me digging into her nose thinking no one can see her. I see the arrogant ass in the Mercedes with his cell phone to his ear, almost running into cars in the lanes on either side of him since he cannot drive and move his lips at the same time. An 18 wheeler with the acceleration of a dead water buffalo is holding everyone up as he watches porn as he drives. I really HATE 18 wheelers. They can run simultaneously a brothel, meth lab and haul a load to a destination. Talk about versatility. I am sitting behind a Toyota Tacoma PreRunner. What the Hell? PreRunner? This gets me interested. So if there is a PreRunner will there eventually just be a Runner? And the logical succession would be the Post Runner which would be the last in the line of the truck. I know they made a 4Runner also. They could not call it the ForeRunner since in essence it would then be the PreRunner and you cannot have 2 vehicles with a name in the same time, space continuum. Einstein theorized if this happened, all blacktop as we know it would collapse in upon itself and leave that really horrible smell that liquid tar emanates. They do not have a 2Runner and I cannot understand that. Would this not fit into the grand scheme of taking a typical, common place technology and then giving it some grandiose name? The car industry for years has led the way in this little verbal jewel. The names given to automobile technology by manufactures is why we had to start calling Garbage Men, Waste Disposal Engineers. I called a person in a restaurant the other day a waitress and she corrected me and said she was a server. This made me very happy since I much preferred a sex slave over a waitress anyway. This is an example of the multitude of overwhelming excremental information I am forced to confront on a daily basis. There may be one or two tidbits that are actually usable or worthy to put into long term memory. It is like Propionibacterium which when thrown into the mixture of oily skin and blocked pores causes zits. Only how do you disconnect from this? It can be embarrassing when a person mentions they own a Daihatsu and you reply “gazunteit!”

Do I really need to know there is a Patron Saint of Fireworks, the internet, comedians, unattractive people, Dysentery and earaches, STDs and Occultists? Hell yes, I do because it is funny as Hell. For instance you are an unattractive person and Catholic but you have great self esteem, do you really take Saint Drogo as your Patron Saint? If you do, you admit you are ugly and have a Saint looking over you who resembled Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre-Dame on a good day. Personally I love this insanity to death. At my age, it is one of the only things that keeps me going. Forget about 99% of the useless news reported every day that people consider newsworthy. Only 1% of it a month might affect my life in some way, shape or form yet people watch and listen to hours of this crap throughout their day. Personally I love the complete insanity that seems to envelop all of mankind the world over. We really are insane savages once removed from animals. Did you know there are more cell phones in India than toilets? There are over 1 billion people and only about 330 million toilets. That made me cringe but I guess cellular technology is much more important than sanitation and clean, potable drinking water. These are the choices made and lived with. Better call upon that patron Saint of Dysentery! Everyone knows I love word play and no one is as deplorable as we Americans. It is no wonder English is SO difficult to learn. If we started to examine words and phrases we use consistently, we would eliminate a huge percentage of them.

“It vanished into thin air” comes to mind also. When this statement is made does the person conveying said observation take into the account at which elevation they are located at in that moment. If they are at 12,000 feet they can most assuredly make that claim. If you are at sea level you cannot say “It vanished into THIN air.” Even a magician has a hard time making this claim.

Another term I find lacking that goes right along with “Eats like a bird” which means you really are a horrendous pig is “Slept like a baby.” Yes, I woke up every 15 minutes crying and screaming and throwing tantrums. I was colicky and obnoxious and I wanted to drink from my mother’s breast! Let’s face it, most of the time we WISH babies would SLEEP so we could SLEEP! “Like taking candy from a baby” which if you have tried to take anything away from a baby is NOT easy at all! The Bible claims the walls of Jericho came down with a shout, experience your ear drums shatter upon committing such an act and you will realize whose screaming decimated the walls of Jericho! “Slept like the dead” is much more appropriate to describe an undisturbed night’s sleep in which you do not awaken and is much more acceptable then “Sleeping with the dead” which just implies you have sex with dead people and are trying to lessen that impact upon the person you’re having a date with and let this inclination slip much to the horror on their face. This is akin to “I slept with him or her”. No, what you really did was the horizontal bop and you did ANYTHING but sleep!

The English language is replete with examples that make no sense once you muse over them for awhile. A person can insult you and call you an “Ass”. This is making reference to the fact you resemble a part of the human anatomy not known for having any brains. Maybe you have enormous cheeks! Now call someone a “Dumb Ass!” and you really have not aggrandized the insult in any way. We have already ascertained the person in question is an idiot because they have no brains. Let us take this a step further. Let us call that same person “An Arrogant Ass!” Again an ass cannot be arrogant whether it is of the 4 or 2 legged variety. “Asshole” is completely acceptable since we are referencing another portion of the anatomical part contained within the insult.

It is like using the word “Toothbrush”. I am sure there is a person somewhere in the world that has one tooth in their mouth and they utilize a toothbrush to brush it so that it will never become diseased and fallout (Kind of like Alice the Goon in Popeye). For many people, we have a full mouth of teeth and I wonder why I have to brush them all with a “Toothbrush”. Maybe the change to “Teethbrush” is a necessity at this point.

One saying that makes absolutely no sense is “Head over heels in love”. I think this should be “Heels over head in love” since that denotes you are SO happy you are in love that you are doing flips and cartwheels or doing a head stand in which case your heels would be over your head. Let’s face it; your head is ALWAYS over your heels which makes this statement redundant and useless and surely does lessen the degree you are in love with a person.

Here is a statement ALWAYS used incorrectly “I could care less”. The proper phrase should be “I COULDN’T care less” which equates into whatever is being mentioned, you have absolutely NO interest in. If you “could care less”, then obviously whatever the topic, is of SOME importance to you.

These are words of wisdom for which a person should be made to suffer a groin injury. “It was in the last place I looked.” REALLY? DUH! I am so glad you told me that since even if what you were searching for, you located in the first place you looked, it still is the last place you looked. “I found it in location (fill in the blank)” would go a long way in proving you truly are a sentient being and not a person suffering brain damage from calling information and querying the operator as to the location of your socks 7 times per week.

Stating the obvious is also an invitation to a snide retort. “Are you growing your hair?” Hmm unless I am completely bald with all my hair follicles dead, I am indeed having my hair grow. It will grow until I die and depending on who you believe, will grow after death. What an ingratiating statement. We really must change “Hair cut or Hair Style” also. You must give it a term to denote multiple hairs being cut or styled. This has never made any sense whatsoever to me.

“A Free Gift” is another little attention getter. How many times have you had to pay for a gift? If you bought a “gift” for yourself as a reward then that could be the exception but that is not technically a gift. In the world of advertisement, this is supposed to make you jump up and scramble to obtain what is being essentially sold. If someone gives you a gift, it is always free.

“Never say never / Anything is possible” I will NOT even talk about the subject of me attempting to run into a solid cement wall repeatedly attempting to pass through it at a molecular level nor attempting to pound a six penny nail into a wall with my penis. Enough said.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder” This most assuredly had a time limit set upon it. I can guarantee if you have not seen someone for 30 years you will most likely not give a crap whether they are alive or dead. If they are gone for a short period of time, they had better have a damn good explanation as to their whereabouts. Hearing “I was just visiting the state brothel in Las Vegas for a week” will more than likely NOT endear yourself to anyone.

“I personally” cannot promise I will not continue to compile volumes on incorrectly used phrases that become popular. “I” Say so but in an “Impersonal” manner. “I” will attempt to do my best though perhaps someone else can vouch for me as an “I” entity.

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  One Response to “More of THE Language”

  1. Okay, so I have one… For some reason it just irks the shit out of me when people use the term “let’s touch base”… What the hell does that mean? Is it some strange baseball euphemism where me and this other person will somehow magically unite our two home bases in an effort to instill world peace? Is it a sexual reference with regard to my “base” possibly being touched in the near future? Is it a shout out to some overly used, 90’s pop-culture reference to a poorly translated Asian video game (i.e., all you base are belong to us)? Could it even be a reference to my childhood and the endless games of freeze tag where I somehow had to get unmolested back to the “base” ere being frozen solid by the chilling touch of my gawky neighbor, Jimmy Neal? Who knows! I’m baffled! Can everyone just say, “let’s talk tomorrow” from now on? Is that too much to ask?

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