Mar 302010

Psycho KillerOne of my favorite past times has to do with reading biblical references and seeing them in an entirely different way. I mean the heavy hitters. Of course there is always numero uno and that is the big “G” meister himself who always makes his appearance as a rock or an ill mannered badger or water, you know, something really spectacular. One of my favorites in the Bible without a doubt was the man that was the first to sport a perfect pompadour while wandering aimlessly in the desert and that would be Moses. I have heard people say to me “Moses supposes his toeses are roses” and to that I just smack them in the face and continue eating what ever I am eating. Moses was the man that everyone wanted to be. As a matter of fact, there had to be laws put into place to deal with the impostors claiming to be the Moses. If caught this was punishable by spending a month attempting to part the Red Sea and with every failure being flogged with a 3 day old flounder. What I find interesting is that God really was fond of Mount Sanai and would only seem to speak with Moses at some location on said mountain. Unbeknownst to Moses, God did this to keep him in peek anaerobic and aerobic shape. No wonder woman thought he was hot; he had a great ass from all the exercise. He made millions from his “Move it with THE Moses” exercise videos.

I cannot understand why Mount Sanai was the chosen hot spot for God conversations. Some theologians surmise it has something to do with the fact when photos are shot of the mountain from high altitude it resembles a Baboon’ rear end just not as colorful. I personally think God had a really funky fresh pad there that he liked to hang out at just waiting for Moses to trek for days to get to. God’s big inside joke was always “Well how was the trip?” To which an irked Moses would always reply “^&^@*()&$&^@*$”. God loves big laughs. In the Bible Moses made this trip 7 times for various reasons. The first trip up the mount God offers to make the Israelites a holy people. The 2nd trip, Moses tells God the Israelites accept his offer with a utility infielder to be named later. Wait a second; I have to think about this one for a moment. The Omnipotent one that can create matter such as a Health flavored Klondike bar by just thinking about it has offered you to become his holy people. Moses being a sensible and logical person says to the creator of everything “Uh God, that is really great but I have to get together with my posse and see what they have to say about that offer. Do we have any kind of time limit on this or what? I mean it will take me time to get my buns back down the mountain and find them.” If God want you as his holy people you do not hesitate, you fall to your knees and scream “YES, YES OH HOLY OF HOLIES!” I did not know that Moses suffered from a below average I.Q. When he came down the mountain and told his people what God offered, the Bible fails to tell you how badly he was beaten due to stupidity.

Beaten resoundingly for this major faux pas, he was immediately sent back up the mountain to accept the Almighty’s offer along with a note from his mother apologizing for him being a little slow sometimes and being a bed wetter until he was 23. Mother’s can be so embarrassing. So he accepts the offer and all are joyous. Now God makes THE rule “None of my Holy people can come up the mountain” So he comes down the Mountain and speaks the 10 Commandments to all the people at the base of the mountain. But you know how people are. No one remembers quite what was said and they get all mixed up. “That shall not kill on the Sabbath” Thou shall not lie except with a hot chick” “Thou shall covet thy neighbor’s wife’s desert snake stew”. It got all mixed up. Moses climbs back up the mountain and spends forty days and forty night (God was big on forty days and nights, it had something to do with his favorite chicken recipe) and finally receives 2 stone tablets written by the finger of God. That must have been some really hard stone. I am sure God said to himself after trying to write on these tablets for 23 days “WHY THE &*^&$^#%$ DID I MAKE THIS STONE SO HARD?!” That is why that REALLY hard stone does not exist anymore. So Moses travels down the mountain to his posse to give them the stone tablets and he see them all partying down and worshipping a golden calf. How big was this calf? These guys must have been rich. How did they create an elaborate visage of a calf made from gold in the middle of the desert while drinking and partying the entire time? I cannot even make a lamb from spam and that is a very sculpt able meat product, at least I think it is meat. It says something about made from the finest swine sphincters money can buy.

Well the “M” man loses it and smashes the tablets to make a point and that point was that he had to drag his ass back up the mountain to have God do his thing again. To prevent the worshiping of the calf by his people, he took it with him and stopped along the way at the Antique Road Show and got the twin brothers that specialize in antique furniture all worked up. The calf was put up for auction as the brothers suggested and this set up Moses for life. Moses finally arrives before God and explains what happened. Thunder boomed and lightning crashed down from the heavens upon the mountain and God said to Moses “Did you have to be SO dramatic? It took me 40 days and nights with my Godly finger to create those 2 stone tablets!” God was mighty miffed until Moses again produced a note from his mother explaining to God to think back upon Moses’ life. God sighed “I should have known better then to trust a man that once got his head wedged between the buttock of an Ass for 4 ½ hours but you are ONLY a man!” God is big on forgiveness but if you ever piss him off, WHOA look out! So Moses had to atone for his people and he did this by giving God some seasonal cactus ice cream which was very refreshing and tasty. So God sets about using his Godly finger one more time for another forty day and nights to create the two stone tablets with the Ten Commandments upon them. “*&%^&%%^&*&(&*&**(%%$ STONE!” was heard to thunder down the mountain for what seemed like an eternity.

So Moses returned to his people down the mountain (I am even getting short of breath with all this up and down the mountain) and presented to his people the NEW 10 COMMANDMENTS. God had made him swear an oath not to destroy these stones or God would use the UUMMM of Moses to create the next set of tablets. One thing had been overlooked in all this carving of commandments upon stone and that was no one could read. God of course thinks of everything and the next day everyone awoke with a copy of “Hooked on phonics” in their hands. In a short period of time everyone was able to read the commandments but as all humans do, they constantly were breaking them. All God could do was sigh. God muttered to himself “Next time there will be none of this free will crap!” as he took the finger of God and iced it for forty days and forty nights.

This really got me pumped up to read even more of that fantastic book. I can hardly wait to get to the part where Hansel and Gretel meet the witch in the forest and start a mail order catalog business which eventually becomes E-Bay!

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