Apr 012002

BATON ROUGE, LA—A woman in Baton Rouge, Louisiana is suing Nintendo for “unspecified damages” after her 30-year old son died during a marathon session on his N64.

The man first started suffering seizures after buying his N64 in 1999, but he continued playing on the console for anything up to eight hours a day, six days a week, and shooting himself up with massive amounts of heroin and crack smoking and constant sex with unclean, filthy whores.

He played despite the now-standard epilepsy warning which comes with every Nintendo game. This informs players that “some people may have seizures or black outs triggered by light flashes, such as while .. playing video games, or like in the middle of oral sex with the family dog in the dark and he moves and you see the bright light from the TV, even if they have never had a seizure before”.

The warning adds that “anyone who has had a seizure, loss of awareness, loss of pulse, heart suddenly exploding from chest, frozen kangaroo tumor inserted in anus, traveling down a long tunnel to a bright light or other symptom linked to an epileptic condition should consult a doctor before playing a video game”, and ends by suggesting in big capital letters that you should “stop playing immediately” if you experience any of these symptoms while using the console. It’s also hard to see how the woman can seriously expect to sue Nintendo for “her son’s lost future earnings” when he was a thirty year old who spent 48 hours a week sat in front of the TV playing Mario.

Nintendo denies any responsibility for the death, although in a similar case last year (also in Louisiana) a jury decided that the company “did not provide an adequate warning concerning the risk of seizures of the genital region”. Something we know all men engage in 324 times a day. Nintendo also added “After seeing pictures we are highly suspect the 7 gunshots to the head and 32 knife wounds to the body might have had something to do with the death of her son!”

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