LOS ANGELES, CAâ€”After reports of abuse and neglect from a former employee surfaced recently, the Malibu Office of Family Observation (MOFO) announced a formal investigation into the conditions of care provided at the Lovecraft Retirement Home, where many of the nations most-feared fictional movie monsters live their golden years.
On May 29, Rupert Edwinson, who worked at the Lovecraft as an orderly until late April, came forward to tell a shocking tale of pleasance and opulence occurring daily at the retirement home. “Despite promises of nubile young victims, blood-spattered walls, and piped-in terrified screams, these monsters were forced to knit, play bingo, and learn ballroom dancing by (Director of the Lovecraft) John Nichols,” reported Edwinson.
“Poor Leatherface, ” he continued, “Nichols not only took away his chainsaw but he removed all of the dead animals from the cages in his room. Nichols put canaries, nightingales, and other songbirds in the cages, forcing Leatherface to lie in his bed and moan through the day as the birds merrily sang.”
Other allegations made by Edwinson include Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lechter and Dracula being given only a nourishing vegetarian diet, instead of the liver and blood they requested in their check-in forms, as well as brutal modifications to Fred “Freddy” Krueger’s arsenal when the blades on his glove were replaced by dull knitting needles. Although Krueger has created over four hundred red-and-black striped blankets, he spends his nights weeping instead of wandering the dreams of hereditarily guilty teenagers.
Nichols has refused to comment in detail to the allegations, but has said that the allegations are “baseless (and) completely fabricated.” He added, “Standards of horror and misery are maintained at the Lovecraft, guaranteeing a blessed retirement filled with murder and mutilation.”
Other allegations have been levied against the Lovecraft, which has been open since 1958, when Frankenstein’s monster became the first resident. According to documents filed today, fictional monster Michael Myers was stunned to learn that when he and his other residents would be craving pumpkins for Halloween, he would be given a “Safe-T Pumpkin Carverâ„¢” instead of a 12-inch butcher knife.
In addition, the complaint alleged former WWI soldier Walter Elliot, better known as Pinhead, was required to swaddle his head in thick bandages to prevent accidental damage to the building. The undead Lord of Hell was also forced to exchange his blood-soaked leather outfit for a simple plaid robe, and to trade in his hooked chains for soft plastic chains, as the clanking of his chain was disturbing the Wednesday afternoon Waltzing Workshop.
The Lovecraft Retirement Home has thirty days in which to reply to the complaint, during which the Malibu Office of Family Observation will observe the conditions and care provided by the facility.