BIRMINGHAM, ALâ€”Last Monday murmurs of shock and disbelief were heard from many Birmingham area magazine vendors. It was the reaction to a new hunting periodical called Urban Hunting. The magazine’s cover displayed two gentlemen kneeling and smiling, dressed in fence-board patterned clothing with 3 Doberman Pincers lying dead sprawled in front of them. The two men, Boogar Pickett and Bubba Washington the 14th are the owners and publishers of the magazine. We traveled to the recently rebuilt Tornado Alley Trailer Park in Birmingham, Alabama to speak with them.
“Well the reason fer the magazine is ’cause there ain’t no more woods or places to hunt no more,” explained Pickett as he reached down and scratched his plainly visible perspiring butt crack. “So me and Bubba was sitting around drinking and shooting the shit when we see this stray dog wandering the street looking all scraggly, suspicious and vicious and shit.” Washington then added, “BELCH!” Pickett, fanning his face, continued, “So we thought, hey, there ain’t no more coons or possums to hunt but sheeeeiiit there is plenty of dogs and cats that are just running around! So I grabs a couple of rifles from inside the door and Bubba and me start chasing and shooting at this mangy dog! It took an hour to git him since we’d been drinking moonshine all day and twere a bit slow. We cornered him in Mrs. Buford’s back yard and filled him full of holes, but not before Bubba here lost his left nut to im!” Washington then proudly displayed his hat, decorated with floppy ears, he had made from the killing of the said canine.
“We had such fun we figgered we had to share this new found huntin’ territory with everybody,” explained Washington. “So we came up with the idea fer a magazine.”
When asked how they choose their prey, Pickett said, “Hell, if it tain’t got a tag and is wandering the street, it is meat fer the frying pan, YUK YUK! Sides, them wiener dogs is good eatin’!”
Pet owners in the area, however, are in an uproar. Old man Pervis Pusser commented, “These ijiots don’t have a brain tween the lot of ’em! I caught ’em outside shooting my lawn gomes thinking they was cats wearing little suits! If they come back this way I will fill their asses full of buckshotâ€¦ Would you like to purchase some GOOOOD moonshine?” Declining Pusser’s offer, we pressed on.
Olive Sprewell had another tale. “I was watchin’ my fav show Survivor when all of a sudden I heard a ruckus going on under the trailer! I thought it was a herd of cats in heat! I come out to find these two huge ass cracks staring me in the face, sticking out from under my trailer. They was after my kitty! I went and fetched Pappy’s butane torch and came back and fried their asses good! You thought there was a ruckus before? Whoooooo dog, them boys couldn’t get away fast enough!” This incident would account for Pickett’s butt crack perspiration problem and absence of anal hair.
This reporter also discovered that Pickett and Washington had paid for a run of 125,000 magazines but that only 113 had been purchased, the majority of them by fellow Jackalope Lodge members, friends of the two local publishers and fellow moonshine distillers. Publication of further issues is unlikely, however. “Well, we was hoping ta make a killing on this mag,” said a dismayed Pickett. “We created our own line of camouflage duds that look like the boards of a fence and a fire hydrant decoy for the dogs, with a built in electric pee pee stunner! We also have a stuff-it-and-mount do it yourself kit for cat and dog heads, y’know, to show ’em off to your friends!” When faced with the pathetic number of magazines they had sold to this point, Pickett and Washington just looked at each other and smiled. “We have this great idear for ‘nother magazine named Cat Fishin’! MEOW!!!”
Needless to say, animal rights activists were up in arms over the magazine’s release. Three Buddhist monks were set on fire and one had cosmetics tested on his sensitive nether regions in retaliation over cruelty to the animals. An incredulous opossum and raccoon could not be reached for comment on this story.