NEW YORK, NYâ€”During a live interview on CBS’ 60 Minutes this past week, Oscar Mayer CEO Thomas Gangloff stormed off the set after surprise questions by Mike Wallace regarding allegations of involvement in cattle mutilations in the Southwest caught the executive off guard.
Early in the interview, Wallace startled Gangloff asking if he was aware of cattle mutilations reported over the last quarter century where farmers in Utah, New Mexico, Colorado and 5 other states have found the mutilated remains of their cattle. Common injuries included an incredibly precise excision of the anal region as well as the removal of flesh around the mouths. Gangloff stuttered briefly before responding to Wallace’s question, “I’mâ€¦ I’m aware of them.”
“Is the Oscar Mayer Corporation responsible for those incidents?” challenged Wallace.
“I absolutely deny those allegations,” barked Gangloff, visibly upset. He continued, appearing to be somewhat confused. “That budget item about the black helicopters was for a toy promotion…”
Undaunted, Wallace continued pressing Gangloff, “What do you say about the disturbing correlation between reports of cattle mutilation and sales of your Oscar Mayer Wieners? We uncovered reports showing that, over the last 25 years, sales peaks of your wieners are matched perfectly with incidents of said mutilations!” Looking across the soft-focus lens at Gangloff, Wallace squinted slightly, and then asked, “Isn’t it true that the old joke about lips and assholes is, in fact, based on reality?”
Gangloff then reportedly started bellowing, “How dare you? How dare you? I demand that you retract your suggestion! I can personally guarantee there are no beef or cattle products of ANY kind in our products!” As Wallace gawked at him in surprise, Gangloff tore off his microphone and stormed from the set, screaming “something about lawyers”.
In related news, millions of overweight slackers were unconcerned in hearing that Hostess Ho-Ho’s contain a warning in the ingredient list reading, “may contain beef”, consuming record numbers of the chocolaty creamy treats, clogging their arteries with gelatinous filling-product.