Aug 122011

Psycho KillerIn between work today I was doing a search on serial killers and found an interesting site. It was named the “Top 10 Evil Serial Killers”. It could only be surmised that said creator actually believes that Dexter truly exist. I attempted to find the Top 10 Nicest Serial Killers but failed. A co-worker and I started kidding about categories in which to place serial killers and he suggested the most religious. My contention was that it was a very valid category due to the fact some killers actually believe they kill in God’s name. Come to think of it, shitloads of people kill in the name of God, so I digress. So my mind began to wander and I remembered all the crazy saints and patron saints associated with the Catholic Church which I think are very funny. When I looked up the name of saints in the Catholic directory there were hundreds whose first name begins with the letter “A” alone. It stated there were over 5,000 saints. That is a LOT of miracles. I wish it would name the three miracles each performed to get the gig. I started reading about a few of them and they are essentially boring. The ones that are fun are the Patron Saints. This is where things gets really funny. Here are few to demonstrate how we as mortals could not survive without them.

Saint Gertrude of Nivelles, Patron saint of the fear of mice: This is the patron saint of all elephants and musophobics. All one needs to do is wear their St. Gertrude necklace and one will never be fearful of mice ever again! I read about her, and other than looking like a hot nun, mentioned nothing how she developed this super power against mice. Now I know who to call upon when I am beset by a vicious, flesh eating mouse. I will pray and gird my loins in preparation for battle… well, really, I just like to gird my loins!

Saint Scholastica, Patron Saint of Convulsive Children: Okay, I do not understand this one. We have a Saint for convulsive kids so I guess we adults have to just flail about during our convulsive seizures and have no one to help us? Why not just make her the Saint of ALL who convulse? This is just being prejudice against age. This saint makes me very angry indeed! This is unless I can find the saint of Convulsive Adults and the one of Teenagers and the one of Puberty, ad infinitum.

Saint Hubert of Liege, Patron Saint of Mad Dogs: So mad dogs need a patron saint? How about those that are just irritated or slightly perturbed? Oh, so he is the saint of insane dogs! He is primarily concerned with bad behavior in dogs, primarily hunting dogs. Awww, no humping or smelling of butts! That will get you on the naughty list. I have a neighbor that calls upon Hubert to shoo his bad dog off his furniture. I believe Hubert gets bit A LOT! I can believe that a mad dog does see this guy… after all, they are crazy.

Saint Monica, Patron Saint of Alcoholics: When guys are drinking, this saint goes from a 3 to a 9 in looks really quickly. I never knew she existed. No wonder I have witnessed so many people drinking alcohol, toasting and saying “Praise Monica!” I thought they were referring to Monica Lewinski. At the end of a drinking spree, many pray to Saint Levi, Patron Saint of Urination of One’s Self.

Saint Dominic Savio, Patron Saint of Juvenile Delinquents: Wow, if I knew this guy existed I would have pulled bigger and more successful crimes as a kid. “Saint Dominic Savio, guide my steady hand as I use this screw driver to pry open the back door of this house so I may partake of all its goodies including the 60” LCD TV, Amen!” If more kids knew this guy existed, we would all be SCREWED!

Saint Isidore of Seville, Patron Saint of the Internet: The MAN, the LEGEND. I wear his visage on a medallion on a chain on my neck. This is the person men pray to so that they do not lose their connection to PORN! I call upon him when I am downloading illegal software so that it be virus free! Blessed be the illegal downloader of pirated movies! No one would be able to send pictures of themselves naked to others. How would we know how to have sex with various animals? Just think, no cell phones without this dude. In my book, the most important saint there is.

Saint Polycarp, Patron Saint against Dysentery: When I first saw his name I transposed the “a” and the “r.” A real belly laugh was experienced. I say we still pronounce his name Polycrap. What better name for the patron saint of diarrhea? Why reach for a medication to slow down or stop the explosive expulsion of matter from your bowels when all you have to do is call on Saint Polycrap and stop that torrential flood instantly?

Saint Fiacre, Patron Saint of Sexually Transmitted Disease: Here we go again, a saint that will protect you from STDs or gives you STDs. I wonder if you are supposed to wear his medallion on your genitals. I know one method that would work with this medallion. Just imprint these instructions. “Women, place this side of coin inside of left knee and place right inside of knee on the other side of coin and squeeze and do not use the mouth.” This may help somewhat. I personally would like to know the miracles this man performed to get this esteemed and prestigious title. I think I would rather be the Patron Saint of Flatulent Gas or the Patron Saint of Swamp Ass. I mean, it would be a toss-up.

I must say I have not scratched the surface of this topic and I must compile a list of new Saints which are badly needed. If you could be a Saint of some ridiculous thing, what would it be? I am Saint Lee, Patron Saint of Apathetic Parasites of the Bowels! Amen!

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  One Response to “Patron Saints”

  1. Weird, I always thought the patron saint of alcoholics was Saint Pauli Girl. Oh, well. Shows you what I know.

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