Jun 102010

NX - Knows all, sees allI don’t know about you, but I seem to find myself often needing new words to describe every-day bodily anomalies. I mean, yeah, I can just let someone know I took a crap, but sadly that term does not often convey the minute differences between one bowel-shaking toilet experience and another. It’s because of this general lack of specifics that I have concocted a small list of what I perceive should be commonly accepted “potty terms”. If more should come to mind, then I will include them later… heaven only knows we need the content. One a side note, these are a lot funnier if read aloud in a British accent… So here we go:

Alien Birth – Yeah, I’m not too sure what happens here, but for whatever reason poop gets all wadded up inside and makes it very difficult, and oftentimes painful, to go, usually forming big, round wads (see goat-ass). Don’t try to stall the inevitable as that just makes matters far worse in the end. This is what I imagine giving ass-birth to an alien would be like. It’s an unsavory process at best. It also gives the term “ripping you a new asshole” an entirely different meaning.

Using alien birth in a sentence: “Dude!” (Said while rubbing one’s ass) “I just totally experienced an alien birth!”

Mexican Cannonball – So what happens here is when a turd is completely engulfed in a perfect blanket of expelled gas. Because of this, it passes out of the body without ever touching the sphincter walls (due to its fart blanket), thus eliminating any need for wiping (although you may still want to, just in case). This is often followed by an olé.

Using Mexican cannonball in a sentence: “Wow, that Mexican cannonball was surprisingly mess free!”

Olé – This is usually preceded by a Mexican cannonball; although, it can occur by other means. As a loosed turd hits the water at a perfect angle it sends a splash of water directly up onto the sphincter. Often, this causes one to start and proclaim, “Olé!” It’s quite refreshing, however, and often leads to a pleasant wiping experience.

Using olé in a sentence: “Woo, that olé spared me some uncomfortable chafing!”

Back-Splash – Like an olé but showers the buttocks instead of the sphincter. Be aware that water directly striking the anus is an olé despite the back-splashes occurring around it.

Using back-splash in a sentence: “Hey, anyone have a towel? I got some back-splash.”

Perfect Angle – The precise trajectory needed to send a splash of water directly back onto the point of origin.

Using perfect angle in a sentence: “Hold up.” (Said while meticulously positioning oneself over the bowl) “I’m trying to get that perfect angle going.”

Porcelain Hieroglyphics – Oftentimes people confuse these for skid marks. They are wrong by making this assumption. Skid marks, as we all know, occur in one’s undergarments and are a result of either poor wiping techniques, anal leakage or sharts… take your pick. There is nothing more disturbing than walking up to your bowl of choice only to find the strange, cryptic runes left by some previous bowl-user. Often, these are unavoidable, but if a toilet brush is provided, there is no excuse for leaving your undecipherable scrawlings for others to interpret. Wipe the slate clean, as the saying goes… unless, of course, you are leaving a warning, as in, “Stay away from the beef tips”.

Using porcelain hieroglyphics in a sentence: “Dude, some trog left his porcelain hieroglyphics all up in the bowl… I think he was trying to warn me of something.”

Goat-Ass – Okay, so this is and odd occurrence. Instead of passing a well formed log, sometimes one’s stool is condensed into a mass of smaller semi-round bits which then proceed to break apart as they leave the sphincter. The matter falls as small round turds resembling those of a goat’s (thus the name). The resulting plops may cause various back-splashes and often an olé or two. This can also be known as rabbit-ass, camel-ass, llama-ass or any of the various other beasts that pelletize their poop… take your pick. On a side note, when the pellets get too large it may result in an alien birth.

Using goat-ass in a sentence: “Man, I just had a serious case of goat-ass!”

Brownfinger – No, this is not some new James Bond flick. Simply put, this is a term for those dread times when one’s finger inadvertently rips through the toilet tissue… enough said.

Using brownfinger in a sentence: “Dude, smell my brownfinger!”

Peeking Squirrel – Sometimes upon loosening, one is left with an empty bowl. What the… where’d it go? Did some turd burglar get the best of me? Unlike the aforementioned moment of complete turd abduction, there are times when the log is not completely jettisoned from the bowl after the initial drop, leaving just a glimpse of it “peeking” back at you like some nefarious ground squirrel curiously watching your every move from the safety of its burrow. This is one of those times, but is not to be confused with Peking Squirrel which is an entirely different delicacy.

Using peeking squirrel in a sentence: “Take that, you peeking squirrel (FLUSH)!”

Early Break – For whatever reason, a log will often break off at the last possible inopportune moment causing a small bit (often no larger than a pinto bean) to scuttle back inside, defying all attempts to re-evacuate it. Don’t be fooled be its diminutive size, however. This remnant will result in no end of irritation and will most likely lead to excessive wiping. Alas, one’s attempts at filing down this rectal squatter with mere two-ply will cause no end to chafing and a serious case of hemorrhoids, to boot. The key is to be patient; it will come out when it’s ready.

Using early break in a sentence: “Aw, man. Hey, you got any more toilet paper? I had an early break.”

M-60 – Well, an M-60 occurs when a Mexican cannonball and goat-ass combine in a perfect fusion of buttock bombardment. This is when one’s ass becomes a veritable M-60 machine gun, spraying a strafing of pellets reminiscent of an over-the-top, Michael Bay epic. Back-splashes and olé’s abound in this explosion of ballistic goodness.

Using M-60 in a sentence: “Woo! Wee!”

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