May 292003

SAN FRANCISCO, CA– A San Francisco man is wrestling with a terrible dilemma: He’s getting ready to throw a party but can’t find anyone to “mud rassle” his girlfriend, the 6 foot 9 inch toothless behemoth known as the “Swamp Critter”.

John Ralston is planning a “mud rassling” party on September 21 and has even dug a pit for the shindig in his backyard, which he will fill with real mud and alligators and water moccasins as well as inviting his whole inbred family from Beaverbutt, Arkansas.

The 29-year-old Ralston has even convinced his girlfriend to be one of the “mud rasslers” but still needs to find another mutated lady willing to grapple and grind in gunk while butt naked and to be videotaped for all the good old boys back home to have sex with their hogs while watching.
Ralston has considered asking friends but remembered he had absolutely none since the “Swamp Critter” frightens them away but says girlfriends will often do things platonic friends won’t like have sex with your German Shepard named “Number 7” so he’s searching for a kind-hearted, very mutated woman to “mud rassle” his sludge-covered sweetie.

It’s a lot to ask but Ralston says, in exchange, he’s offering free beer and food, a cleaning and grooming from the local vet and a chance to win the coveted title belt, which he made in his garage this past weekend from the remnants of a dead cat left as road kill in front of his shack.

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