HELLâ€”The world was stunned today when Satan, a.k.a. Samal, a.k.a. Beelzebub, a.k.a. Naughty Pants, announced to the world a complete renovation of Hell. “Well, I have been thinking about this for some time,” said his evilness. “I finally figured, hey, I can catch more souls with honey instead of frying buns!” At a press conference held at the Temple of Seth, the Hoary Leader of the Nether World laid out his plans to the public.
“Firstly,” said the cloven-one, “I want to be known as Lord Snuggle Tush, a name that young children as well as nubile young babes will think of with fondness and lust! Who needs all these frightening names? They were all made up by my detractors, not me! What the fuck is a Beelzebub anyway? It is just propaganda spread around by those so-called goody-two-shoes from up high! Hey, I never had anyone write me a Bible; well they did, but they were putzes that I never inspired!” When asked by a reporter why have so many claimed to commit atrocities in his name, Old Scratch just grimaced and said, “Has it ever crossed anyone’s mind that these people are just fucked in the head, for his sake?” (Grumbling, he would not say “his” name).
The Dark One then surprised all attending with an amazing scale recreation of the new Hell. “First, I want to say we are changing the name to Heck! It just is nowhere as harsh as the name Hell, and besides, we are giving those bible-thumpers a break since they only have to change two letters in their next edition!” declared an obviously proud Dark Lord. “I want to show that I don’t hold a grudge! This decision was reached after a long deliberation by our board members: JFK, Michael Landon and Oprah Winfrey.” A reporter then pointed out to the Cloven-hoofed One that Oprah was not dead. “Yes she is,” he smiled. Satan also mentioned that L. Ron Hubbard had been snatched from purgatory to join the board due to the release of the vile, hellish piece of excrement known as Battlefield Earth the movie. “He got a free pass to Heck for that one!” he grimaced.
“Over here we have Ho Ville,” pointed His Vileness. “It was inspired by the old Dr. Seuss story, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. I just love that story. And here,” he continued. “We have the Great Moments In Evil Museum featuring our Microsoft, AT&T and AOL exhibits! I want the denizens of Heck to be proud of their afterlife choice. Inside we also have a Starbucks along with a Jamba Juice. You know, it’s a little know fact that I inspired the creation of those establishments in order to promote caffeine abuse, and the belief that foul tasting juice is healthy for you!” He smiled displaying his fangs. “We have also created the ‘When Hell Freezes Over’ ice skating rink! Now, this is one feature the denizens have been requesting for 200 years! I have always thought it was such a catchy phrase. I laugh every time I think about it.” He chortled, spewing forth a green cloud of foul smelling gas that incapacitated the first two rows of reporters. “We have also built the largest eating establishment ever conceived of: the Jeffrey Dahmer’s Cafeteria Of Chaos. Jeff is our head chef, and with the talent of co-chef Ed Gein, he has created a menu to die for (and you usually will). Ask about our baby back ribs: made from real babies!” suggested His Darkness. “We have also listened to our denizens’ pleas for quality heath care and thus have opened a chain of Dr. Josef Mengele health clinics, sure to cure any ailments, one way or another!”
Satan also explained that he had laxed the preexisting rules, making it easier to get into the new Heck. “With the changing times, we decided that certain new groups of people deserve straight passage into Heck,” he said. “Those include Amway representatives, all members of the NRA, anyone who’s ever knocked on your door at 7:00 AM on a Sunday morning, telemarketers, anyone who has ever sat through an entire Country Music Awards, used-car salesmen and the guy who wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.”
The newly proclaimed Lord Snuggle Tush then concluded the proceedings and commanded some of his lesser demons to hand out bumper stickers to the members of the press as they shuffled out of the nether plane. They were seen examining the stickers that read, ‘Heck: We Do Sinnin’ Right’.