Jan 022002

Psycho KillerNow what in life could possibly scare me? Well, I sit back and ponder that question at this moment. Like where has the 130 lbs that Iron Chef Monkey Butt lost gone to? Is it a sentient mass of fatty tissue waiting beneath the chair I am sitting in ready to engulf my feet and savagely force me to eat new extreme Doritos? Or Has Iron Chef taken to placing small amounts in old baby food jars that he is storing in his room ready to break ’em out someday to hand them out as Halloween snacks to neighborhood trick-or-treaters? How did he lose this weight? I have yet to find any Subway wrappers in his place of dwelling. I have, however, spotted a strange device hooked to his vacuum cleaner named the Vacusuck but that might have NOTHING to do with this!

I sat one night recently and looked at a friend’s bare feet. She said not to look because they were ugly. Well, they were not ugly. I mean her feet were huge. If she had hair on them she would put a hobbit to shame. What really caught my attention was the toe next to the big toe (2nd toe? Index toe? I am sure it has a name). It was 3/4 inch longer then the big toe. I placed my pinky beside it and exclaimed meekly, “My God, it is bigger than my pinky!” All of a sudden all I saw were the vampiric feet of the Lost Boys clamped around a rusty pipe! No matter what shoes she wears to hide them, all I will think about is her hanging upside down in a closet from the ceiling with feet that have toenails so yellow they look like they are shellacked!

I believe that animals intentionally cause more cardiac failure than people could ever want to know! Dogs especially. Now you have seen with your own eyes NX’s dog write numerous articles here and give his opinion of what he thinks of his master “yeah right, fuck him!” Well, I was over at NX’s abode and I see Dawg giving me the eye all day. Not a snarl emits from his muzzle nor a guttural growl. It is 3 A.M. and I am getting water to drink when Dawg within a space void of any noise lets lose a bark that made me sink to the floor and scream to NX to bring defibrillator paddles! Now Imagine how many unwanted births this type of action creates. Dawg barks loudly and unexpectedly while in the midst of copulation. Wad shot prematurely, 9 months later, a bundle of joy! Believe me, they scheme and then they act.

You ever notice how often guys grab for their genitals? I mean, even with 20 million people staring at them on television, the first place they go for are their balls. Funny how color commentators overlook this occurring 485 times a game. Well my theory is we are terrified at any second we might reach down and find we no longer have our fellas! Shrinks might say we have some psychological need that we did not receive from our parents but I think we just like to play with ourselves and you might as well put us in the grave if we ever lose Mr. Happy and his nutty friends. This, however, does not explain the phenom of athletes smacking each other’s asses and loving it.

Jerry Springer.

Well believe me I can think of many more things in life that frighten me like every woman I become involved with is a crazed bitch from hell, but that is another topic for another time.

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