Jul 012001
Conceptual photo of Sharpton after 25 year hunger strike.

Conceptual photo of Sharpton after 25 year hunger strike.

NEW YORK, NY—Now in its third week, the much unpublicized hunger strike is “going well” reported sources close to the Rev. Al Sharpton who began a hunger strike in jail Tuesday May 29 to publicize the U.S. navy bombing exercises on the Puerto Rican island of Vieques and his arrest protesting them.

“So far he has stuck to his guns,” reported Sanford Rubenstein, Sharpton’s lawyer. “Well, there was an incident with some Twinkies, but he has since refused any food whatsoever.” Rubenstein also added that things were “going as planned”.

Other sources, however, displayed some amount of concern regarding the hunger strike. “Well, it’s been almost a month now,” said an undisclosed source on June 6th, “and as of yet, Rev. Sharpton has yet to show any signs of weight loss. At this rate, the hunger strike could last 25 years before we get the impact we desire.”

Even more sources, to include prison guards at the Metropolitan Detention Centre in New York, stated Sharpton looks the same as he did when he arrived at the facility. “He’s still all fat and shit,” said guard, Manny Vasques. “He is hungry though. I like to rub Sweet Tarts on his cell bars and watch him try to lick off the powder like some crazed crack addict.” Other guards have also claimed that Sharpton attempted, on more than one occasion, to barter cigarettes in exchange for some bite-size Snickers.

The Reverend Al Sharpton

The Reverend Al Sharpton

Experts who have been following the hunger strike since its inception in May agree that it may very well take an average of 25 years for Sharpton to show any signs of weight loss. “Perhaps it would have been more beneficial for Rev. Sharpton to have chosen another means by which to protest his imprisonment and the bombings,” said researcher Camille Soares. “At his current metabolism, three months without food won’t make much of a visual impact on him.” She then added, “Frankly, I don’t think anyone gives a crap either.”

Not everyone, however, was shocked to hear of Sharpton’s hunger strike. Long time friend of the reverend and weight loss guru, Richard Simmons was elated to hear of Sharpton’s plight. “I think it’s soooo wonderful,” said Simmons, clapping his hands. “I think I’ll send him a copy of my newest tape, Sweating To The Rhythm of Ricky Martin’s Gyrating Ass. That should help him accelerate some calorie burning. Now, if I could only get him to do something with his hair—maybe a perm or something.”

Sharpton’s refusal to eat may not be wholly in vain, however. The bombing exercises have since been scheduled to terminate in 2003 after which, “There probably won’t be much left of that shit-hole island anyway,” said a top ranking naval official speaking under terms of anonymity.

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