Nov 012000
 
Astronaut Michael Lopez-Alegria's turd on a crash-course with destiny and mayhem.

Astronaut Michael Lopez-Alegria's turd on a crash-course with destiny and mayhem.

CEDAR BLUFF, AL—What started as a normal day aboard the space shuttle Discovery on October 19 turned into the proverbial “sticky situation” when local Cedar Bluff, Alabama resident Henri G. Clemens was killed instantly when he was struck in the head by a piece of shuttle crew excrement, jettisoned moments earlier by a crew member.

“We was jest setting on the hill yonder, my brother Hank and me,” pointed Clemens’ brother Jessup “Cootis” Clemens. “We usually jest set up there and look at the stars and wonder what it’d be like to touch a woman’s privates, when we sees this fire in the sky. At first we thought it was one of them meaty-ors, you know, fallin’ stars or somethin’, in fact, Hank started to wish on it how he wanted Becky Anne to be up on the hill with us, when it starts gettin’ closer and closer. That’s about the time it hits poor ole Hank right on the head.” Clemens was killed instantly when astronaut Jeff Wisoff released a lodged piece of space shuttle excrement from a clogged shuttle Waste Containment System (toilet) and accidentally jettisoned the killer log into Earth’s atmosphere as he attempted to unclog the malfunctioning device. “It’s a damn shame,” added Clemens.

Wisoff moments before the "shit hit the fan".

Wisoff moments before the "shit hit the fan".

“I had no idea it would be sent hurdling into the atmosphere,” said a befuddled Wisoff over a NASA comm. “I was elbow deep in shit and it was the furthest thing from my mind. It should have completely burned up in Earth’s atmosphere but Mike (astronaut Michael Lopez-Alegria) had to have that freeze dried bean and cheese burrito yesterday. I told him he should have added more water to it.”

Pilot Pam Melroy verified, “Yeah, Mike clogs a lot of toilets up here.”

When reached for comment, NASA spokesman Michael Braukus, told reporters, “We are very sad to hear of Mr. Clemens’ misfortune and demise. We have engineers working around the clock to ensure this type of thing does not happen again. We have also gone to the liberty of removing all bean and cheese burritos from the shuttle menu and have since replaced them with yummy Chicken a la King packets. Our hearts and prayers go out to the Clemens family.” Braukus then added to a colleague, “Fucking stupid rednecks,” apparently not noticing that the microphone was still on.

When asked of what he thought of NASA’s response to the “stellar shit” situation, Jessup Clemens had this to say, “Well, we all got ta go sometime. I guess a kinda feel sorry for calling Hank a ‘shit-head’ all them years. Who knew it’d end like this? At least them NASA folks agreed to pay for the burial. Hank would have been happy to know that.”

Henri Clemens’ body was laid to rest on October 21st by “that ole oak tree over yonder, with some plywood over his body so’s the coons don’t git at ‘im.”

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