LOVE CANAL, NYâ€”Pandemonium broke loose at a Star Trek convention in Love Canal, New York on January 6th. Longtime Star Trek fanatic Louis Spinebladder (a.k.a. Lord Gulpar the Convenient from the seventh moon of the 11 planet Slurper Kunuck Kunuck Whoopee PING!) felt he could contain himself no longer during a convention appearance by Kate Mulgrew, the actress that portrays Captain Janeway on Star Trek: Voyager (the last Star Trek series left on television, thank God).
The series portrays Federation rejects, accompanied by a half human, half-machine entity, which wears skintight outfits to show off her HUGE Borg implants, who cannot find their way home! Mulgrew had taken the stage after an intense hour discussion by Trekkies as to whether giving boxer shorts with the smiley faces on them to the race of bipedal scrotums on the planet Testes would violate the prime directive.
“The freaksâ€¦ I mean fans were in the process of asking questions, you know the usual: ‘Is my bra made of the same material as the hull of the ship? Does my phaser have a vibrator setting? Did Captain Kirk have me in a different timeline?’ When all of a sudden thisâ€¦ person stands up and just starts screaming at me! At first it was hard to understand him because of the echoing effect due to the huge red mug on his head! At first I just heard him scream ‘Whoopee PING!'” a shaken Mulgrew claimed.
“I just had to speak my mind,” said Lord Gulpar (the name Spinebladder prefers to be called). “She is just the WORST captain in the Federation! I let her know, in no uncertain terms, that any of the other captains would have done anything to save their crews. This bitch wouldn’t sleep with the Q when he promised to teleport them all home if she would just give up the muff! She said no! If I were a crewmember and found this out, I would eject her ass into space. You can bet Captain Kirk would have used every position in the Kama Sutra to get his crew home! Even Piccard would have ordered Riker to satisfy the Q by calmly saying, ‘Make it so number one!’ and motioning towards the Q’s newly energy transmuted genitals. Sisko would have been his usual monotone, blasÃ© self but he would have taken it up the ass like a man!” an angry Gulpar retorted. “Who does she think she is, 7 of 9?” Spinebladder was also heard to harshly admonish Mulgrew regarding the enormous number of shuttle craft that have been destroyed in the series, the overuse of tachyon beams to escape deadly situations, not enough airtime for 7 of 9 and not being able to find the planet of the female nymphomaniacs.
Spinebladder then produced a modified laser pointer and pointed it at Mulgrew screaming, “Die Vulnuvian Slime DEVIL!!!” Security interceded immediately. One of the three red-shirted security people scuffling with Spinebladder was disintegrated immediately causing another convention participant, wearing the traditional Federation blue shirt, to scream, “He’s dead Jim!” Before a conventioneer dressed as Mr. Spock could apply a Vulcan nerve pinch, Gulpar managed to free himself and run from the room and lose himself in a Babylon 5 convention being held in the same building. “It could take some time to find him,” said another red-shirted security member. “We are scanning the area now with tricorders but are encountering interference from an energy source never before encounteredâ€¦.”