May 012002

Psycho KillerI finally did it and I said I would not! So tonight I must perform the Japanese form of ritualistic suicide, Seppuku. Hopefully my Ginsus are still sharp and slathering them with Miracle Whip will make the cut easier. Rod Stewart singing in the background “The first cut is the deepest”, and when committing suicide you can only hope. And to think a movie had pushed me to such a point! Visions of Jar-Jar Binks running through my head would never letting me SLEEP AGAIN!

I really believe the true phantom menace is George Lucas himself. So don’t even bother seeing the rest of the films to find this out! In the last scene, of the last movie, George appears as the ultimate bad guy, the Emperor and tells you, the audience, how he bilked you out of millions by re-releasing his movies and laughing at YOU the entire time! I always thought George and the Emperor looked similar (I think it was the horrible putty job around the eyes) but did not pursue it to see if it were true.

On with the terror that made me go back and watch Platoon, a truly hilarious movie! I remember seeing a lot of big stars with few lines and having little to say of interest while I was making my weenier/cheese wraps. The worse perpetrator of this is Samuel L Jackson. What the fuck is he doing in this movie? I guess to show that there are still jive, cool Jedis around. Yoda and his young look freaked me out.

I think he had been using that electroshock facial treatment to tighten his face up and forego the face and butt tuck! I did like Obi’s little braid on the side of his head. And is it just me but what are we really telling young kids when they see a young guy traveling with a much older MAN and calling him master? No wonder they can never have a woman. Jedi doctrine states you must be gay!

Okay my fav character? Darth Maul without a doubt, and of course they give him no screen time. I guess it had to do with the Crest product tie in at the end of the movie. Jar Jar had it pasted on his ass. Well, I mean Maul did have REALLY yellow teeth! I guess they have not developed the same whitening technology in the future we have now or the technology was forgotten. With all his little horns he should have just head butted Liam Neeson in the region! But of course he dies. I hope he comes back in the second movie and kills everyone.

Now NX loved Jar Jar, he could not get enough of him. You should see all the Jar Jar crap he has sitting around the house: Alarm clock, toilet paper dispenser, beer coolers, CD player. I mean, one day while over at his house, Dawg had chewed his master’s (yeah right, fuck him) Jar Jar mouse up and NX almost vapor locked. This character was so obnoxious! Swaggering and moving like a Jamaican I expected to hear him singing some horrible variations of Bob Marley songs! But how can I forgive Lucas for turning NX into some freak Jar Jar addict? With looking at sales of Jar Jar paraphernalia, only NX was buying it! (No editing this NX!, the world must know).

I am sure Iron Chef will counter this review with his well known precise and intellectual repartee dealing with movie “Kapak” but in the end it will be irrelevant. This movie and it actors sucked ass. Especially the chick in the kabuki theater makeup. I mean gosh I had no idea the person traveling with the Jedis was THE PRINCESS! DOH! So enough of this farce! Your turn Iron Chef! I lay the gauntlet down. Your review will be…… Manos: The Hands OF Fate. I heard they are doing a remake with Tommy Lee Jones as Torgo and Ben Affleck as the Master!


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