Nov 112016
 

californiaflagimage1Let me get something off my chest and hopefully get people thinking about the nonsense they post when they don’t get their way. Over the past few days I’m sure you’ve seen the posts from all the bitter California Democrats now campaigning to have California secede from the union. Before I begin let me state that I am a registered Democrat but do not support this notion. I think our electoral system works and allows for equal representation of ALL citizens. A popular vote system of government might seem like the sensible way to do things, but if you really think about it, someone running for president would really only need to campaign in a few key states (or metropolitan areas) to win an election. Complete sections of the country would never be represented.

But this is not about the electoral college system. This is over the many spoiled—sorry, disenfranchised—individuals who feel that their voice trumps (no pun intended)  those of everyone else. So because they grew up getting trophies for participating—and losing—suddenly they face defeat and can’t understand what that really means. In responses they riot, and throw tantrums like a bunch of defiant brats and burn down the cities of the state that actually gave its electoral votes to the Democratic candidate. What, are you deficient?

So, now I see the campaign to secede California. Let’s just dispense with the whole process that leads up to that. Let’s just say that the federal government doesn’t roll in the divisions of M1A2 Abrams tanks and AH-64 Apache helicopters and put an abrupt end to the liberal shenanigans. Let’s say Californians are successful. The bleeding hearts all line up their Teslas, Priuses and Chevy Volts in a stand of solidarity and build a wall of battery-power/Hybrid defiance along the Oregon, Nevada and Arizona borders. They’ve won. Freedom!

braveheart-freedom

Now what?

Well, now you’re surrounded by a hostile major military power. Wait a minute, Califonia. Do you have an army to protect yourself? What, you’re shocked and appalled that the United States government didn’t let you annex their current fighting forces and equipment in your state? No, those all withdrew. But you still have your lethargic California National Guardsmen (maybe). Now, if you can get those guys away from their XBoxes long enough to repair all their broken and outdated equipment, maybe you can defend the 7-Eleven down the street.

But perhaps you can somehow keep the US from invading you. You gather all your guns and . . . oh, wait a minute. Dang it! You forgot about that, huh? Wow, I think we all can use a green smoothie after that.

In a final desperate act, you promise to give the US all your quinoa, marijuana and condom-free adult actors as a tribute. They are appeased . . . for now. Go on . . .

Now you need your own currency and the financial means to back it. You do have goods and services you can trade and an expansive coastline. So, you look to your ports and the Pacific. But wait, what’s that on the horizon? Are those ships? US Navy ships? Is California being blockaded? You bet your kale-eating butts you are. Now how are you going to get those shipments of iPhone 7p’s to the hipster masses? They’re all manufactured in China. Oh, by the way. You’ve got no Coast Guard either. They fall under the Department of Homeland Security—a US department. Sorry.

navy

Then, you look southward. The Trump-built wall between the US and Mexico extends only as far as Arizona. And now Mexico is looking to regain its previous territory. But without a military, how are you going to stop them? Sure, perhaps you can buy some time by lobbing volleys of lattes and scones, but the result is inevitable. You all will be speaking Spanish soon (wait, you already are.)

coffee

Oh, poor California. Your once united Democratic party has now divided itself into various, vicious high-school cliques and they’re all making a great mess of things as each party vies to somehow counteract the horrific effects of every recent Berkeley study. One day you’re trying to save the indigenous marbled-speckled grackle from the brink of extinction, and the next you’re trying to stave off the travesty of childhood flatulence by taxing the bean industry. Oh, no. Now the Mexicans, er, Latino-Californians, are up in arms.

politics

Who’s going to lead you? You cry out to Hillary Clinton, but she’s retired and living in the Hamptons and couldn’t care less. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Frankly, California, your country is a mess. But, hey, you still have the Governor of the Commonwealth of Los Angeles, Pauly Shore. Major win, buuuuudy!

pauly-shore

What’s happened to you, California? Sure, you’ve got tons of solar electricity and an eager H-1B workforce, and your diplomatic relations with Canada are progressing (nice going, eh). So, you scoop up whatever undervalued Calibucks  you can muster (your new currency that only took 5 years to ratify since you couldn’t decide between Jay Z, John Stewart or the marbled-speckled grackle to adorn it), and borrow heavily from the Canucks, and elect Elon Musk as your president.

Great choice! Space-X is a huge success and he establishes a Martian colony and you all move there.

Yay! The US gets California back! It’s a win, win!

So, please, California, continue with your current course of action. We can’t wait for you all to go to Mars so we can continue moving forward with our country.

 

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